Never pass up a chance to sit down or relieve yourself. -old Apache saying

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Harper's Weekly - 9/4/07


President George W. Bush predicted a “nuclear holocaust” if Iran develops weapons of mass destruction and accused the country of undertaking “murderous activities in Iraq”; Iran's foreign minister described Bush's comments as a sign of “political despair” caused by “a serious problem in creating propaganda for the next election.” 1 2 3

Bush announced his intention to found a “fantastic Freedom Institute” after he leaves office,4 and two brothers survived in a collapsed Beijing coal mine for five days by eating coal and drinking their own urine. “You can only take small sips,” said Meng Xianchen, “and when you've finished, you just want to cry.”5

South Korea was scandalized by resume cheats. “Before, we struggled more with fake luxury goods,” said Moon Moo-il, a prosecutor who combats credentials fraud. “Now that we have entered the knowledge-based society, we have to deal with an overflow of fake knowledge.” 6

The Ugandan Interfaith Rainbow Coalition Against Homosexuality called on the government to uphold its laws against gays and lesbians,7 and Kenya's Anglican archbishop consecrated two homophobic American priests as bishops at a ceremony in Nairobi.8

India's Khasi tribespeople announced that they would honor Al Gore's cinematic excellence at a “People's Parliament” held in a sacred forest,9 Nubian militants in Sudan were organizing efforts “to get rid of the Arabs,” 10 and guitar player Bo Diddley suffered a heart attack.11

Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo marked the second anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster by suggesting that the “gravy train” of “so-called 'recovery'” should leave “the New Orleans station,”1 and U.S. Representative Jon Porter (R., Nev.) warned that premature evacuation from Iraq would cause American gas prices to rise.2

Gay marriage was legal in Iowa for four hours,3 U.S. Senator Larry Craig (R., Idaho) insisted that he was “not gay” and had not ever “been gay,”4 and the Alton, Texas, chief of police was arrested for making “unwelcomed” sexual advances toward two male employees.5

Princess Diana had been dead for ten years.6

Tony Snow resigned as White House press secretary because the pay was too low,7 Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff vowed to make employers who hire illegal immigrants “unhappy,”8 and polling revealed that Democrats despise President Bush more than any other executive in history. “No one,” said Gary C. Jacobson, a political scientist at the University of California, San Diego, “comes close.”9

City officials in Houston, Texas, were investigating a “Ghetto Handbook” distributed by the local police to its officers. The booklet, subtitled “Wucha dun did now?” contained, among other items, a glossary that would enable the police to communicate “as if you just came out of the hood.” Terms defined in the glossary included “foty” for a 40-ounce bottle of beer; “aks” for “to ask a question”; and “hoodrat” for “a scummy girl.”10

Atlanta's city council debated whether or not to outlaw baggy pants,11 NASA announced that none of its astronauts were guilty of flying a spacecraft while drunk, 12 and officials in Tarrytown, New York, installed suicide-prevention telephones on the Tappan Zee bridge.13

Scientists in Louisiana determined that some obese people may be infected with a fat virus.14

A vegetable grower in Fresno, California, recalled 8,000 cartons of salmonella-tainted spinach,1 West Nile virus was discovered in Vermont,2 and a federal judge upheld New York City's prohibition on metal baseball bats.3

Another elementary school—this one in Colorado Springs, Colorado—banned tag.4

China declared its one-child policy an environmental weapon in the fight against global warming,5 and a wild male elephant burgled a circus in eastern India, making off with an attractive female elephant.6

U.S. transportation horticulturalists were seeding the nation's roadsides with asters, amonsia, and flowering white thoroughwort, among other wildflowers. 7

Deceased real estate mogul Leona Helmsley left a $12 million bequest to her dog, a small white Maltese named Trouble;8 reality-show personality Nicole Richie was released from jail in Los Angeles after serving 82 minutes for drunk driving.9

John Ashbery was named the poet laureate of MTV.10

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He's always watching

He's always watching