Professional Humor

Get your laughs where you can...

LATE NIGHT HUMOR

"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" —Jimmy Kimmel

"BP's company newsletter has an article that says most Gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the Gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." —Jimmy Kimmel

"The Coast Guard found a drunk man on a pool float yesterday after he drifted a mile out into the Gulf of Mexico. Authorities called the guy 'irresponsible,' while BP called him 'our best hope.'" —Jimmy Fallon

Jon Stewart, responding to John McCain's catchy new acronym B.I.O.B. (Blame it on Bush): "H.R.W.A.T.P.T.R.T.C.I.T.G — He really Was A Terrible President That Ran The Country Into The Ground."

"President Obama said, after firing General McChrystal, that although he admires McChrystal's service and dedication to his country, you don't criticize your bosses. That's the same reason President Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese." —Jay Leno

"It's not the G-20 anymore. It's now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States." —David Letterman

"They're having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?" —David Letterman

"Do you know what's going on down in Washington today? The Senate began the Supreme Court confirmation hearings for Elena Kagan. And tomorrow, my favorite part of the whole procedure, the talent competition. And, I want to tell you something — wait until you hear this woman sing 'I Dreamed a Dream.'" —David Letterman

"Things in Washington are always so political. President Obama said that the opposition to Elena Kagan seems like 'pretty thin gruel.' That's how he describes the opposition. If you want thick gruel, just go down to the Gulf of Mexico." —David Letterman

"BP executives are saying that Hurricane Alex has rendered their clean-up efforts completely useless. In other words, nothing has changed." —Craig Ferguson

"It's a great day for former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. He's getting his own talk show. They wanted him because they knew he could get the most out of an hour." —Craig Ferguson

And this one is ... priceless ... under the heading "Dumbest Quotes of the Week"

From the Left:

"Another thing we can do for jobs is make toys of me, especially for the holidays. Little dolls. Me. Like maybe little action dolls. Me in an army uniform, air force uniform, and me in my suit. They can make toys of me and my vehicle, especially for the holidays and Christmas for the kids. That's something that would create jobs. So you see I think out of the box like that. It's not something a typical person would bring up. That's something that could happen, that makes sense. It's not a joke."
—Alvin Greene, the Democrat who mysteriously won the Senate primary in South Carolina, despite never making any public appearances, running any ads, or even having a campaign Web site (Guardian interview, July 6, 2010)

What IS IT with South Carolina?!?!

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