Landover Baptist

You owe it to yourself to visit the Landover Baptist website if you are not religious. And if you are, I would advise against it.


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Morford: Why Men Cheat

101 reasons why men cheat

(Tiger Woods Edition). The timeless question comes round again. Can you answer?

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Plethoric are the theories, the pop psychoanalysis, the dime store hypothesis. In the wake of Tiger's epic fail, we hereby present a quick rundown of the real reasons many men cheat, as compiled by the whims and vagaries of the baffled, needy male ego for the past, oh, about two million years.

Ready?

Basically, men cheat* because:

1. Their penis told them to.
2. The penis is always right.
3. Unless it's not. Unless it's totally, blindingly wrong. But that's really not possible. Just ask it. Wait a sec, it's busy with that Vegas waitress. OK, go ahead. See?
4. The man's marriage is sexless and loveless and boring, and he has needs that must -- nay MUST -- be met. Just ask the penis.
5. The wife has low/no libido, whereas the man has enough for nine teenagers and a box of rabbits.

6. 

   No, really. The male libido, generally speaking, far outpaces the female libido and is never really satisfied for more than a day or two, tops. This is why so many men choose to be gay. Gay sex is like, off the hook! It's true! I read that somewhere. Lesbians, on the other hand, often suffer a terrible fate known as "lesbian bed death." You can Google it.
7. #6 is a totally unfair cliché that doesn't always hold true, and, by the way, all men are pigs. I mean, duh.
8. The kids steal all the love/attention/energy from wife, leaving man with noth ing but XTube, golf and vodka.
9. One word: Ego. Three more: ego, ego, ego. Nothing like nailing a beautiful female acolyte to boost self-image, over and over again, as she coos your name adoringly and feigns surprise that you just bought her a Mercedes.
10. Or is it the other way around, and many women are shockingly predatory, often hunting for rich, powerful men who will buy them stuff and give them a shred of self worth by association, because the truth is, they have no identity of their own, and all they have is sex, which they wield like an ax made of lip gloss and open hip flexors and Cosa Bella thongs?
11. Man is a rock star/golfer/politician/televangelist and women -- or gay prostitutes -- are knocking on his hotel-room door day an d night, and the penis is like, are you going to answer that?
12. Man's marriage is basically a sham, held together only for the sake of kids and media and multimillion-dollar Nike endorsement deals, and to pay for mansions, guitar-shaped swimming pools and giant chrome rims for the Escalade.
13. Se x is tasty and delicious and should not be denied to mere mortals like weak and meager little men.
14. Man is insecure, and sex makes him feel wanted and powerful.
15. Man is very secure, and sex makes him feel even more wanted and powerful.
16. Man is impervious. He cannot possibly get caught.
17. Man is impervious. He does not care if he gets caught.
18. Wife won't do various kinky/perverted things man has taken a liking to from scouring Interweb at 3 a.m. whilst moderately drunk and naked. Wife has zero sex skills. Wife hates sex. Wife only grudgingly has it when she has to to shut up his whining. Wife is disgusted by his dirty suggestions for the new video camera. Wife has let herself go. Wife will only have sex if it leads to mo re babies. Wife is Sarah Palin. Mix and match.
19. Sex is not love. Cheating is not really "cheating," per se, given how most men consider casual sex romps to be just slightly above "meatball sandwich and an ice cold beer" and just below "hitting 210 mph in Porsche Carrera Turbo while tripping on acid in a lake of fire" in the Male Desirables Index.

20. 

    Man has become convinced the human animal is not meant to really be monogamous, that fidelity is for Hallmark cards and Mormons and has no bearing on real life. Man is simply not wired to mate for life. Hey, it was on the Discovery Channel!
21. Wife actually gave man permission that one time when she was really drunk after being handed keys to new Bentley and a house.
22. Except she wasn't drunk at all and knew exactly what she was doing.
23. And so did he.
24. Quit making excuses. Man is a pathetic, sexist jackass and always has been, basically.
25. Which makes you wonder why she married him at all.
26. Maybe she thought she could fix him. That's pretty common.
27. Or maybe he was very, very convincing when he said he'd changed, that his playa days were over, that he loved her and needed her and never wanted to have sex with anyone else, ever -- no really, I mean it this time.
28. Which was probably true.
29. When he said it.
30. And she wanted to believe it so badly. "Maybe marriage would change him? Or a couple kids? He's ready to settle down, I can feel it."
31. Even though everyone around them was like, "Oh my God, that's a disaster waiting to happen, right there. He's such a letch. Why doesn't she see it? Should someone tell her? Is she just not very bright?
32. "I mean, he just totally hit on me at their Christmas party. And she was like, 10 feet away! Of course, I slept with him. But never mind that now!"
33. Let's flip it over. Maybe wife is a ruthless, nightmare harridan, relentlessly negative and mean. He can do no right. He is lonely and starved for attention. But they have kids, a home. Divorce is ugly, expensive, public. So...
34. Oh, stop it. There is never any valid reason for cheating, even if she's an abusive monster. There are only excuses.
35. Thank you, Elle magazine. You are childish and wrong and do not live in the real world. Go back to your pink pedi and "Twilight."
36. Bite me.
37. Man is entitled. "I deserve lots of casual sex. After all, I didn't work this hard on my business/golf game/these abs not to have them licked by a wide variety of giggly TGI Friday's hostesses. Wait, did I? No. No I did not."
38. Porn made him do it.
39. Sex addiction. He's a victim.
40. And a sinner! We are all sinners. Who are you to judge? Sinner! You! Now take off your pants and get in the goddamn hot tub already.
41. Man fears mortality.
42. Man fears erectile dysfunction.
43. Man fears fear.
44. Man fears deranged fan will beat him/kill herself/post photos on Facebook if he doesn't have more sex with her. What's he supposed to do?
45. Man is getting back at his mother.
46. Father.
47. Priest.
48. Invisible friend.
49. Invisible friend's priest's mother.
50. Wife has tacitly agreed to don't-ask, don't-tell policy WRT his fooling around, and is not at all unhappy with having $20 million in her checking account while she never has to have sex with her husband. Hello, American dream!
51. Organized religions and entire conservative platform essentially say that women are lesser, lower, should be kept in their place, and that place usually involves denial and alcoholism and blind acceptance of your man's wanton indiscretions, because he's the man and that's all there is to it, so shut up and take another Zoloft and keep your crying to yourself. Yay, GOP!
52. Didn't Jesus fool around? Is that written somewhere? The lost Gospel of Hey Baby, Nice Rack? All those prostitutes and magic and hocus-pocus? I bet he did. Dude could walk on water. Chicks love that.
53. And by the way, isn't cheating sort of God's will? I mean, He's omniscient and everything, right? That means He knows it all before it happens, it's all predetermined and fated and a priori, and therefore he knows we're gonna cheat, right? So it must be OK.
54. Hey, temptation is irresistible. Who can say no to a secret illicit romp on the office conference-room table?
55. ... or on the boss's desk?
56. ... or in the principal's office?
57. ... Wal-Mart parking lot?
58. ... iHop walk-in freezer?
59. ... 1995 Chevy Caravan third row fold-down seating?
60. Men don't cheat, actually, at least not nearly as much as the culture/feminist theory thinks.
61. They actually value and cherish emotional connection just as much as women. It's true. Media blows it all out of proportion. So not fair.
62. So essentially, we're talking about the classic, time-honored breakdown in communication and gender understanding, exacerbated by horrible sex education and Dr. Phil's BS and endless lies from fashion magazines and Oprah and porn.
63. Actually, the headline of this column is sort of misleading. Men don't cheat. Some men do, and some women do, for all sort of reasons, some of which are actually sort of valid, if you will, and to insist on some ironclad universal rule of absolute unquestioning fidelity is to presume a ridiculous, impossible level of perfection in the human animal and to dismiss the million messy, complicated variants a human love relationship can take.
64. Oh, just shut the hell up, #63. No one wants to hear your tepid, permissive psychoanalysis. Cheating is wrong. Always and forever. Now let's talk more about drunk jerks and skanks!
65. Hey, I'm just trying to provide a little perspective, rein it all back in. This is getting out of hand.
66. Whatevs. This entire column is built around a totally ludicrous and unanswerable question, anyway. Sure, there are as many reasons for infidelity as there are human emotions. Life is messy. Love is messier. But mostly it's about the penis.
67. Yes, but ...
68. Just stop it.

69-100. Something to do with monkeys.

101. Love is not your bitch.

* NOTE: Many of these also apply to women who cheat. So don't kid yourself, sister.

The original is here. Go and see the ads.

Submarine volcano

Very cool, and boiling hot.

Deepest volcano caught on Pacific Ocean video

Amazing video has been obtained in the Pacific Ocean of the deepest undersea eruption ever recorded.

The pictures show lavas bursting into the water at the West Mata submarine volcano, which is sited about 200km (125 miles) south-west of the Samoas.

The West Mata expedition was funded by the US National Science Foundation and the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

Go here. Imagine. The US doing science! Hallelujah!

2009 - Good year for Science

2009 was a good year for science. Could it have helped any to finally have Bush and his faith-based fanatics out of the way? Sound science, indeed.

Human-like fossil find is breakthrough of the year
By Victoria Gill
Science reporter, BBC News

The team slowly reconstructed what "Ardi" would have looked like

The discovery of a fossilised skeleton that has become a "central character in the story of human evolution" has been named the science breakthrough of 2009.

The 4.4 million year old creature, that may be a human ancestor, was first described in a series of papers in the journal Science in October.

It has now been recognised by the journal's editors as the most important scientific accomplishment of this year.

It is part of a scientific top 10 that ranges from space science to genetics.

The first fossils of the species, Ardipithecus ramidus, were unearthed in 1994. Scientists recognised their importance immediately.

But the very poor condition of the ancient bones meant that it took researchers 15 years to excavate and analyse them.

An artist's impression of Ardipithecus ramidus. Scientists say the creature is a central character in the story of human evolution

The most important thing to emerge from that excavation was the partial skeleton of a female creature, which has now been nicknamed "Ardi".

An international team of scientists unveiled the skeleton in a series of scientific papers published in Science in October.

Their careful examination of its skull, teeth, pelvis, hands and feet revealed that Ardi shared a mixture of "primitive" traits shared with its predecessors, and "derived" features, which it shared with later hominids, or human-like creatures.

It shared some of these derived features with humans.

Professor Tim White from the University of California, Berkeley in the US, was one of the lead scientists working on the project.

"This is not an ordinary fossil. It's not a chimp. It's not a human. It shows us what we used to be," he told Science Magazine at the time the research was published.

One of his team's key conclusions was that Ardi walked upright. This was based on the painstaking reassembly of its very badly crushed pelvis, which the scientists said had a shape that would have allowed Ardi to balance on one leg at a time.

Evolution debate

Professor White said that some researchers had been sceptical about these conclusions.

"Some people have looked at the pelvis and said, 'my gosh, that's fairly squashed. Are you sure you knew how to put it together correctly?' So we're responding to that," he told Science magazine.

Ardipithecus was even more primitive than the famous "Lucy" fossil - a 3.2 million year old Australopithecus skeleton that was discovered in 1974.

Professor Chris Stringer, a palaeontologist from the Natural History Museum in London said that Ardi was likely "a remnant of a more ancient stage of human evolution" than Lucy.

"[It was] closer in many ways to the ancestor we shared with our closest living relatives, the chimpanzees, more than six million years ago," he said.

Earlier this year, Nasa deliberately crashed a rocket into its surface and discovered water vapour in the debris
Nasa's discovery of water on the Moon was one of the runners up

The editor-in-chief of Science said that the Ardipithecus research represented a "culmination of 15 years of painstaking, highly collaborative research by 47 scientists of diverse expertise from nine nations."

The nine runners up in Science's list of this year's most important breakthroughs were published in a number of scientific journals, including Science, Nature and Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS).

The first runner up was Nasa's discovery of magnetised, rapidly rotating neutron stars called pulsars.

Others included the discovery that a compound called rapamycin boosted longevity in mice - the first time any drug has stretched a mammal's life span - and advances in gene therapy that could help treat a fatal brain disease.

The nine runners up were:

* Pulsar mystery: Nasa's Fermi gamma-Ray Space Telescope helped identify previously unknown pulsars - highly magnetised and rapidly rotating neutron stars.

* Extending life: Researchers found the compound rapamycin extends the life span of mice. The discovery was particularly remarkable because the treatment did not start until the mice were middle-aged.

* Supreme conduction: Materials scientists probed the properties of graphene - highly conductive single-layer sheets of carbon atoms - and started fashioning the material into experimental electronic devices.

* Plant survival: Scientists discovered the structure of a critical molecule that helps plants survive during droughts. This could help in the design of new ways to protect crops against prolonged dry periods.

* Laser tool: The SLAC National Accelerator Laboratory in California unveiled the world's first X-ray laser, a powerful research tool capable of taking snapshots of chemical reactions as they happen and studying materials in unprecedented detail.

* Gene Therapy: European and US researchers made progress in treating a fatal brain disease, inherited blindness, and a severe immune disorder by developing new strategies involving gene therapy.

* Magnetic monopoly: Physicists working with strange crystalline materials called spin ices created magnetic ripples that behaved like "magnetic monopoles" - fundamental particles with only one magnetic pole.

* Watery Moon: Nasa discovered water vapour in the debris when it deliberately crashed a rocket near the south pole of the Moon. The experiment was part of the space agency's Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS) mission.

* Hubble Repair: A final repair mission by space shuttle astronauts gave the Hubble telescope sharper vision, enabling it to produce some of its most spectacular images yet.

The original story is here.