Is “Lake America” What You Were Promised, Over and Over, MAGA Friends?
Did the tariffs, $4 per gallon gas, or the punching down on scapegoated trans kids make your lives better, in any way?
A Dying Superpower Discovers Cartography
So Trump looked at 57 % Canadian Lake Ontario and thought: “Hey, this sounds like another naming dispute I can lose in public.”
And so, with gas still above $4 a gallon, the fired host of NBC’s “Celebrity Apprentice” signed another pointless executive order renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America - ‘effective immediately’
You can really feel the machinations of power when the most consequential maneuver a president can manage is renaming a noun. And “effective immediately” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here, for something that Canada’s not obliged to even notice.
And sure, it’s desperate and pathetic and easy to mock. If impotent symbolic gestures were economic growth, every American would be rich.
At this point, the presidency is basically an elderly patient with decades of untreated syphilis who’s been given a label maker.
But as common as this may seem, there’s something almost perfectly Trumpian about responding to another diplomatic loss by pretending “vocabulary” is “sovereignty.”
But most deeply stupid men always hurt and sabotage their own “allies” at all stages of their lives; and Trump looks at Canada like a wife that should’ve known better.
The Canadians have weaponized their most terrifying asset: polite indifference.
These tariffs were supposed to bring our Canada to its knees, Instead, Canada brought America to a sad, flaccid naming ceremony.
See, most of us know that Canadians are generally the nicest folks in the world. They’re the kinds of people who say “sorry” when you step on their foot.
They’ve got healthcare, natural resources, functioning institutions; and now, apparently, a lake with America’s name on it - but without America’s permission to use it.
And so Canada has responded to Trumpian aggression with the most devastating weapon available: not caring what deeply stupid Americans call its lake.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney taunted Darth Jabba, without even saying his name:
“The name Lake Ontario comes from the Wendat word Ontari’io, which, appropriately, means ‘the lake is beautiful, the lake is big…The name is more than 400 years old, predating both the Confederation of Canada and the Declaration of Independence of the United States of America.”
Carney later said “Canadian women and men also know that things must be called by their name, and this lake is called Lake Ontario – today and forever.”
And today, millions of Canadians are LAUGHING across Lake Ontario, asking:
“You guys ok down there?”
Trump promised to make America feared; but he just made America the punchline at the Canadian border.
Trey Gowdy Is A Debit To His Race.
But never fear, former GOP Rep. Gowdy is on hand to make the rest of MAGA seem more cerebral.
You remember Trey Gowdy, right? Dismembered and dispatched by Hillary Clinton, he left Congress to exploit the murder of 4 Americans in Benghazi for crass political gain in the private sector.
Gowdy appeared on FOX News, desperate as always for a full-time gig, to says he didn’t care for Trump’s executive order renaming Lake Ontario to “Lake America.” Not because it’s petulant and embarrassing, mind you - but because now because the acronym for the Great Lakes goes from “HOMES” to “HAMES” and the change reminds him too much of “Hamas.”
Yes. The man put on clothes, left the house, oozed into the FOX News studio to defend saying “HOMES,” like the saddest white divorced dad using 30 year old hip-hop lingo:
“That's what bothers me about changing the name from Ontario to America, is how close that acronym is to Hamas. It will confuse a lot of kids. That's why I haven't made up my mind on it yet.”
Folks, if your child thinks the Great Lakes, or the acronym “HAMES,” are related to Hamas, your child may have been raised, or educated by, or may in fact be, Trey Gowdy.
And look, I’m not a complete monster. I know it’s not easy being Trey Gowdy; he’s probably still hurt by Sean Penn winning an Oscar in “One Battle After Another” for ripping off his hairstyle.
But I’m happy to help out here, and I really can.
When I was growing up, we learned to memorize Lakes Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie and Ontario with the helpful pneumonic device “She Made Harry Eat Onions.”
And even with “Lake America,” it’s an easy adjustment from SMHEO to SMHEA.
So just change the words to “Sniveling Minion Has Employment Audition” and everyone will know what you’re talking about.
The Sharpie Doctrine.
The lake didn’t move; the tariffs didn’t work; Canada didn’t surrender and the economy didn’t improve. But somewhere in DC, a dying racist man-baby got excited again about his crayons.
So go ahead call it Lake America, MAGA friends. What a win for you and your families. Strut around a bit in public so we know this made you happy.
But Canadians and most Americans will still call it Lake Ontario, and the water will continue to not care.
Because America didn’t “win” the lake. America assumed the right to say a different word while standing on its own shore.
Canada walked away with its tariff money, its leverage, its lake, and more dignity that these Americans, groveling before their bloated, bloviating, babbling Berlusconi.
The US once put a man on the moon. In 2026, it put its own name on somebody else’s lake.
So, then. Lake America.
Do you still feel compelled to blindly defend this grotesque racist child, MAGA friends? Is Lake America what you were promised, over and over?
Did the tariffs work like he promised?
Did all the punching down on scapegoated trans kids make your life better in any way?
Are you weary of playing dumb, because you’ve stayed loyal to how his bullshit made you feel back in 2016?
Are you realizing yet that rightwing billionaire media needs you angry; but doesn’t actually care about you?
Do you get yet that certain billionaires and politicians need us to hate each other? Have you grapsed that there are algorithms designed to make Americans hate other Americans?
Are they still gaslighting you into not minding that he really did have cops beaten, for a lie, on the Capitol steps?
It’s not too late to admit you were conned and join the struggle against these corrupt incompetent fascist grifter clowns.
And if you still feel safer in the cult, and are still giving your obedience to liars; bc they hate the same ppl you’ve been groomed to hate?
Then thanks for the gas prices.
Oh, and that sloppy makeup job makes him look like a tragic old queen. Defend it.
