Late-Night Humor

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday January 23, 2009

"Because of the flubbed oath of office, Chief Justice John Roberts went over to the White House and gave Barack Obama the oath again. Some legal scholars were concerned that because the oath was not given properly, we legally did not have anybody at the helm for 36 hours. 36 hours? We haven't had anybody at the helm for eight years." --Jay Leno

"Finally America got to hear those four words it has been waiting for...'Former President George Bush.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, did you all see Obama's speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: 'Hey, I'm sitting here! Hello! I'm still here!'" --Jay Leno

"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien

"The total cost of the inauguration was $170 million. They say this is the most expensive celebration since that last AIG retreat on our bailout money." --Jay Leno

"During his inaugural address, President Barack Obama said, 'Millions of Americans have lost their homes and some of us who still have homes have their mother-in-laws moving in with them.'" --Jay Leno

"After going to ten inaugural balls last night and dancing more than Cloris Leachman in nine weeks of 'Dancing With the Stars,' the new president was up and in the office at 8:35 in the morning and then he was at church at 9:30. Is it a good sign that after one hour of being president, he decided the best thing he could do for the country is pray?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The new season of 'Lost' kicked off tonight. If you haven't seen it, 'Lost' is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It's based on the true story of the Republican Party." --Craig Ferguson

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the swearing in of Barack Obama. That's the second mistake the Supreme Court has made with a president, if you count the time they declared Bush the winner." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, 'You made us so proud.' Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs." --Conan O'Brien

"Today was Joe Biden's first full day as vice president. Yeah, advisors say Biden spent most of the day watering his hair." --Conan O'Brien

"Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish." --Conan O'Brien

"Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox." --David Letterman

"I tell you, it's cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again." --Jay Leno