Late-Night Jokes

Time for chuckles! I already have enough stuff on my DVR at home, waiting to be watched. I don't have the time to record all these shows and watch them all too, so I appreciate this weekly collection.

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
Friday December 11, 2009

"Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown." -Seth Meyers

"A California congressman named Joe Baca has announced he's no longer pursuing legislation that would have given Tiger Woods the Congressional Gold Medal. He released a statement saying, 'In light of the fact that Tiger has comported himself in a manner utterly lacking in character, dignity, and ethical integrity, I am withdrawing Tiger Woods from consideration for the Congressional Gold Medal and instead I'm recommending that he run for Congress.'" -Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan." -Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, listen to this. According to The New York Times, the Secret Service agents responsible for letting those party crashers sneak into the White House have now been placed on leave. And today, the party crashers felt so bad for them, they called and said, 'Listen, we know how you can get back in.'" -Jay Leno

"Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush." -David Letterman

"But I mean honestly, you can't blame the Salahis for going where they're not invited. I mean, isn't that our foreign policy?" -David Letterman

"The Salahis -- now these are the people that crashed the state dinner at the White House for the prime minister of India. It looks like they're going to be subpoenaed now by the House Homeland Security committee, and I'm thinking why bother? They'd probably show up anyway." -David Letterman

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." -Seth Meyers

Stephen Colbert on the "GOP Purity Test," which defines 10 bedrock Republican principles: "They're like the Ten Commandments, if one of the tablets said 'F' and the other said 'U.' I believe this is perfect. A party of white Christian men who call Obama a Nazi, pushing the concept of purity." (Watch video clip)

"The 'Today' show was broadcast live from Afghanistan this morning. It went head-to-head with Afghanistan's number one morning show, "Good Morning and Death to America." -Jimmy Fallon

"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." -Conan O'Brien

"In his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to 'continue to spend our way out' of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I'm just saying." -Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Minnesota, a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC." -Conan O'Brien

"In Iowa, a large group of people stood outside a Sarah Palin book-signing to urge her to run for president in 2012. The group is known as the Iowa Democratic Party." -Conan O'Brien

"I have to say, not a great day for President Obama. A new poll shows that President Obama has the lowest approval rating of any first-year president in the history of presidents. Things are so bad today the president said the surge in Afghanistan was all Tiger Woods's idea." -Craig Ferguson

"Well, at the Copenhagen climate summit -- where they talk about the environment, you know, saving the environment -- the delegates had 1,200 limousines and 140 private jets, or as they call that in Malibu, 'Earth Day.'" -Jay Leno

"And as you know, Santa Claus is working very hard with his elves to make sure every child gets at least one toy this Christmas, or as Glenn Beck calls that, 'socialism.'" -Jay Leno

"It was a busy night at the White House last night. And they had a big party. And during the evening, this is true, President Obama got up and danced with Santa Claus. That happened, yeah. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama dances with old man who makes kid sit on his lap.'" -Conan O'Brien

Go here and STFU.