The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes
"Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." -Craig Ferguson
"According to the New York Post, Tiger Woods has hired former President Bush's press secretary Ari Fleischer to help with his public relations campaign. Is George Bush's guy really the one you want in charge of your approval rating? If it was up to me, I'd hire Clinton's guy." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Actually, you can see why he hired him. Tiger Woods and Bush have similar problems. Neither one knew when to pull out." -Jay Leno
"Record ratings for the Oscars. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made -- Bush and Cheney." -Jay Leno
"New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it's not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it's Eric Massa trying to get in your pants." -Jay Leno
"He admits to groping, fondling, and tickling. And I'm thinking, well, why isn't this guy governor of New York?" -David Letterman
"Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn't show them on the air. Now if you're trying to convince people you're not gay, you probably shouldn't show your big book of naked sailors." -Jay Leno
"Former New York congressman Eric Massa admitted to tickling a staffer until he couldn't breathe. Dick Dick Cheney said, 'We should have tried that at Gitmo.'" -David Letterman
"Sarah Palin is getting her own reality show. It's going to be called 'So You Think You Can See Russia?'" -Craig Ferguson
"I find it strange that Sarah Palin would be shopping a reality show considering the fact that she hasn't shown much interest in reality." -Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama's been really busy, you guys. He's making his final push on health care reform. Yesterday, Obama warned that insurance companies will continue to drop people's coverage when they need it. Or as iPhone users call that, 'The AT&T option.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"And in an interview in Time magazine, former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York -- I love this -- he said that having sex with hookers is not nearly as bad as having an affair. Guys, let me tell you something. Don't try this excuse at home, O.K. Eliot Spitzer is a politician. He is a trained professional liar. You will get killed!" -Jay Leno
"Karl Rove's memoir 'Courage and Consequence' is the best-selling book on Amazon.com. The book costs $19.99, but it comes with free shipping and 'mishandling.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" -Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice'
10. 'Can I get paid in shampoo?'
9. 'Would I rather stay unemployed than work for Trump?'
8. 'Should I bring my attorney?'
7. 'Do I have anything better to do?'
6. 'Is there any chance NBC will replace me with Leno?'
5. 'Can I get paid in conditioner?'
4. 'Haven't I been through enough?'
3. 'How about my own show, 'The Haircut Ref?''
2. 'How come I'm not a governor and Paterson is?'
1. 'Will my hair get along with Trump's hair?'
"New York Gov. David Paterson may be stepping down after being involved in a scandal. Something like this hasn't happened in New York for ... months. New Yorkers are desperate. They're trying to get Gov. Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, 'That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.'" -David Letterman"You know who is on the program tonight? Mitt Romney is here. Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he's like that new senator from Massachusetts. He's like Scott Brown, but with pants." -David Letterman
"Talking about presidents who smoked. You remember George W. Bush? Remember him? He's saying while he was president he would enjoy the occasional cigar. On a rare occasion, he would have a cigar because he said it helped him think. I want to tell you, occasions don't get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen." -David Letterman
"People magazine has confirmed that former President Clinton called Tiger Woods to offer his support during the ordeal. For real. They have things in common, I guess." -Jimmy Kimmel
"It's a nice thing to do, a nice gesture between two, you know, kindred spirits. It actually reminds me of the time President Bush called Homer Simpson after Homer stapled his face to a doughnut." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Karl Rove's new memoir, 'Courage and Consequence,' is coming out next week. Not sure if 'Courage and Consequence' is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than 'Oopsies.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It's called 'What Would Dick Cheney Do?'" -Jay Leno
"Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They've been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics." -Jay Leno
"Did you hear that Rush Limbaugh's Manhattan penthouse is on the market for $14 million? It's an amazing property. Over 4,000 square feet. And that's just the medicine cabinet." -Craig Ferguson
"I tell you, though. People still have faith in Toyota, even with these massive recalls. The Toyota Prius has retained its title as Consumer Reports' top pick for eco-friendly vehicle. They said it's a great way to get in touch with the environment, especially when it flies out of control and hits the trees." -Jay Leno
"Weren't the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy." -David Letterman
There is always more.
No comments:
Post a Comment