Republican jokes

Republican jokes! Get it? Heh heh.

''Forget Obamneycare, I want to know how Minnesota's health plan keeps Tim Pawlenty alive without a spine.'' —Stephen Colbert

''Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, 'I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card.''' —David Letterman

''Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right.'' —Jay Leno

''Mitt Romney was on the 'Today Show' and admitted he likes to read the 'Twilight' books and watch 'American Idol.' If elected, he would be the 1st Mormon and the 1st 13-year-old girl to be President.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week's presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Mitt Romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. At the same time, he's announced he'll try again in 2016.'' —Stephen Colbert

''If Bachmann and Palin get in, that's two bimbos. And there there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.''' —Bill Maher

''Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he'll give a five-minute rebuttal.'' —Jay Leno

''Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump's supporters -- all of whom are late night comedians.'' —Conan O'Brien

''Mitt Romney was sitting down with some unemployed workers the other day. Mitt is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, and he said, 'Hey, I'm unemployed too.' That is the famous Mormon sense of humor. A little tip Mitt, your people are only funny when the 'South Park' guys write your jokes.'' —Bill Maher

''Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off.'' —Jay Leno

''Newt Gingrich made it official: he's in. Not in the presidential race -- in a trivia book called 'Whatever Happened to Last Century's Biggest A**holes?''' —Bill Maher ''Newt Gingrich made it official: he's in. Not in the presidential race -- in a trivia book called 'Whatever Happened to Last Century's Biggest Assholes?''' —Bill Maher

''Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of.'' —Stephen Colbert

''Michele Bachmann says she will launch her presidential campaign in either Massachusetts or New Hampshire as soon as she figures out which is which. There could be some eligibility problems for her. She has her birth certificate, but nobody can produce her high school diploma.'' —Jay Leno

''Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.''' —Conan O'Brien

''A gay activist dumped glitter all over Newt Gingrich. He wants Newt to stop being against gay marriage. But Newt believes marriage is a sacred bond between a man and his wife and his mistress and the other woman he's seeing on the side.'' —Jay Leno

''Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English.'' —David Letterman

''Newt Gingrich said he's afraid America will become an atheist country dominated by radical Islamists. Right. Our big problem could be religious atheists, almost as bad as pacifist warmongers. If they hook up with the communist capitalists we're screwed.'' —Jay Leno

''Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, announced that he's running for president. And this is cool -- if his campaign isn't over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is 'Let's Just See What Would Happen.''' —Conan O'Brien

''In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.''' —Conan O'Brien

''Right now the Republicans' strongest contender is still Hillary Clinton with a fake mustache.'' —Jon Stewart

''Newt Gingrich is so pro-marriage, he can't stop doing it. He is so morally upright, that he's only had sex after he was married. Just not always to the woman he was married to.'' —Stephen Colbert

''Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: 'Now hiring!' Sixteen of Gingrich's top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate.'' —Jay Leno

''Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day, and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.''' —Conan O'Brien

''New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann just because they're both Republican women. And crazy. And know-nothings. And Jesus freaks, who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time. Who both give off a sound that only animals can hear and makes microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them.'' —Bill Maher

''Republican candidate Ron Paul came out for the legalization of heroin and prostitution, unfortunately not in time to be cast as Charlie Sheen's replacement on 'Two and a Half Men.''' —Conan O'Brien

''Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.'' —Craig Ferguson

''Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.' Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading.'' —Bill Maher

''Ron Paul announced he's running for president. And get this: he supports the legalization of prostitution and heroin. Now, I know he doesn't have much of a chance but if he does win that's going to be one hell of a victory party.'' —Conan O'Brien

''I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can't answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question.'' —Jay Leno

''Some people say Newt Gingrich may have trouble winning over traditional values voters because he has had three marriages. So as a result, the campaign has announced a new slogan, 'Newt Gingrich, so committed to marriage, he can't stop doing it.''' —Conan O'Brien

''Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote.'' —Jay Leno

''Newt Gingrich knows that before he throws his giant hat into the ring, he has to explain his past positions -- specifically, why those positions were so often on top of women who weren't his wife.'' —Stephen Colbert

''Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago.'' —Conan O'Brien

''There are rumors that Sarah Palin will run for president. It's a big decision. On one hand, running for president is a long and grueling process that goes on for months and years. But she could just quit halfway through, right?'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.'' —David Letterman

''No! Not Captain Buzzkill! Not the guy who looks like everyone who ever fired your dad! He's gonna suck all the fun right out of this crazy thing. Just look at the online video announcing his run. It looks like it could double as an ad for erectile dysfunction pills. 'Mitt Romney: for when the moment's right.''' —Jon Stewart

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