got "the" call today

So I'm driving across the bridge to the mainland and I get a phone call routed through my car. Only the phone number was given on the screen of the car. Even though the caller's area code was my own, I chose to "Deny" the call. Hackers and scammers can spoof just about any phone number these days. That caller could have been sitting in Malaysia, using my local area code for cover. My opinion is, if you want to reach me, you can leave a voicemail. Or, if I answer your call, great. I didn't think about the phone call again. 

...until I got home and my awesome wife asked me if I got a call from my General Practitioner? She got a call from them after they were unable to reach me, and the nurse asked for me to call them back.  Dum dum DUM: I did some blood work last week; they probably got the results back; and they want to talk with me about the results!! Very logical.

But the blood pressure and pulse rate tics up a little, and all those thoughts start popping up: Do they have bad news for me? Have they discovered some alien gene in my blood or did my urine test show trouble with my prostate?  Sky-high cholesterol? Off the charts glucose levels? Is my thyroid out of whack? I've had this little bulge around there lately. 

Or

Maybe everything is good. I've been feeling pretty good lately, except that I'm getting close to 70 years old and shit just don't work as well as it used to, and except for this extreme heat and humidity we have to endure down here for far too many days each calendar year. I'll bet everything is just fine. Another set of good results, like the last several in a row. But that little pain I get now and then.... 

So I walked over to the piano and started playing, which quickly drove my wife over the edge, but under control, still. "Don't you think you should call the doctor's office and see what they wanted?" she asked, with a detectable shake in her voice.

"Why hurry? If it's good news, what's the rush? If it's bad news, what's the rush? I'd rather play the piano for a little bit."

"Just call the doctor's office!? Please." The first sentence was tense. The second, apologetic. Ok, ok. 

So I call the doctor's office. On hold, of course. Meanwhile my wife seems to be allowing herself to imagine the worst. Fucking chill out, woman! Que sera, sera, whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see. On hold with really annoying, clanky piano music, audio levels up and down, it's now been 5 minutes with this bad muzak. The voice on the automated response unit (ARU) said I could press 1 at any time to leave a message, but, surprise, pressing 1 did nothing. So I hang up, and go back over to the piano.

"Aren't you going to try them again?" "Of course, dahling, in a minute."

I start playing a dirge on the piano, and singing "Oh, my blood is fried! That's what the doctor say!"

"Ack! Just call the doctor!" "Geez, ok."

I call them back and this time press 1 earlier in the process and suddenly the nurse answers! Outsmarted the ARU! Name? Date of birth? Oh yes, the blood results. Just a minute.... 

The wife is over there biting her nails. She's so cute. She cares for me so much. So concerned about my health. It's a great feeling to have someone care for you that much. Even if I accomplish little else in my life, the love she has for me and the love I have for her make it all worthwhile.

The nurse comes back on and says, "All your results look great!"

"So that means I'm going to LIVE?!" I ask in an exaggerated, overacting way.

"You sure are, for a long, long time!" she replies in a happy voice. Now, how would she know that? Uh oh, we might have a bruja here.  Ha ha!

My wife and I were both quite relieved. Until NEXT TIME!!

Oh, the stress. When is everything going to start breaking down?