In the history of dumb fucking cults, you MAGA lobotomy laureates are—hands down, without a doubt, bar none—the fucking dumbest.
And it’s not even close.
And I can hear people saying, “Jo, be nice.”
Nice?
Nice jumped out a window when Roe v. Wade was overturned. Nice ran into oncoming traffic during the January 6 insurrection. Nice threw a toaster into the bathtub watching Donald Trump’s masked goons shoot American citizens and kidnap people off the street.
Nice has left the building because you fucking Kool-Aid-crusted crayonnoisseurs have tethered the rest of us to the Thelma and Louise car—and in exchange, you’ve gotten fuckall.
At least Heaven’s Gate was promised a spaceship.
You were promised cheaper eggs and got diarrhea lettuce.
Make America Healthy Again? You got a measles comeback tour. Sick of winning? You got whooping cough.
You glorious, star-spangled dipshits. You sanctimonious, self-satisfied shidiots. You tallow-brained, Trump-tumescent troglodytes. You swirling maelstrom of mouth-breathing dumbfuckery.
You are microwave-a-fork stupid. Lick-a-nine-volt-to-see-if-it’s-Republican stupid. Eat-the-fucking-silica-packet-because-you’re-not-a-sheep stupid. Vote-for-the-guy-who-said-he’d-fuck-you, get-fucked, then-mail-him-your-insulin-money stupid.
You cannot fix this kind of stupid. You cannot reason with this level of willful stupidity. You cannot convince somebody that two plus two equals four when Donald Trump says it equals five and you’ve decided the calculator is part of the fucking deep state.
Who’s the candidate? What does he stand for?
That’s it. That’s the entire intellectual contribution of the damp fucking packing peanut between your ears. You’d ask more questions about a suspicious potato salad than somebody who gets to vote on whether you keep your healthcare.
And when reality refuses to cooperate? The polls are the deep state. Gas prices are the deep state.
Republicans have the Oval Office, the United States Senate, the House of Representatives, and the Supreme Court. They control more state legislatures than Democrats. But somehow—some FUCKING how—it’s the Democrats manipulating everything to make Donald Trump look bad.
A Republican could personally set your curtains on fire and you’d demand Nancy Pelosi reimburse you for the drapes.
I would argue that if Democrats are that powerful, they should be in charge. But what the fuck do I know?
He promised peace. You got eight months of war with Iran. Cheaper gas? Diesel hit record highs. Cheaper groceries? You’re being told to pick another protein because Hamburger Helper now needs a fucking cosigner.
But feed you the lie that Timmy’s preschool teacher secretly operated on him and sent him home as Tammy, and that’s all it takes.
The woman is trying to get sixteen children into coats without somebody eating a mitten. You’ve decided she’s running a clandestine surgical theater behind the cubbies. Between Goldfish crackers and learning what a triangle is. Apparently, she’s got a forty-minute opening.
She can’t get Mason to keep both shoes on, but sure, the laminator folds out into an operating room whenever the parents pull away.
You can’t afford dinner, and you’re demanding a congressional investigation into the fucking finger-paint table.
And what happened to “PROTECT THE CHILDREN” when the conversation got around to Jeffrey Epstein? Trump’s name is all over the Epstein files, and the allegations against him are fucking shocking. You don’t get to manufacture preschool predators while running a protection racket for your pompadoured patron saint of plausible deniability.
A rainbow sticker gets a forensic investigation. Trump gets a fucking permission slip.
His tariffs fucked you. His war fucked you. He slapped his name on a meme coin and you bought it like Jesus had opened a fucking brokerage. His family cashed in. You got a commemorative screenshot of your own fleecing.
He hands the rich a tax break and takes a meat cleaver to Medicaid and food assistance. You’re raffling off a fucking air fryer to pay for surgery, but congratulations to the hedge-fund hemorrhoid on his second yacht.
Yet when anybody proposes helping people afford their lives, you scream “SOCIALISM! COMMUNISM!” You couldn’t distinguish either from fucking ventriloquism. You think the proletariat is something a urologist scrapes off with a tiny spoon.
“NO GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS!”
But dangle five thousand dollars and you rugged individualists are dry-humping the fucking mailbox. DOGE refund? Nothing. Tariff check? Nothing. And what happened to that healthcare plan that was always two fucking weeks away?
Now Trump says if Republicans keep Congress, they can send you those five-thousand-dollar checks.
THEY HAVE CONGRESS.
Why can’t they send the fucking checks NOW? Did the deep state eat the fucking mailman?
And I get why, once upon a time, you actually believed that Manhattan money-grubbing motherfucker who shits on a gold toilet gave a fuck about you.
But do you actually STILL believe that?
Do you still believe that amoral, avaricious, depraved, debased, corrupt, callous, conscienceless con artist—your cash-catfishing, country-club cockalorum, your preening, pud-pulling peckerpotentate, your foundation-frosted fellatiarch—gives a fuck about you?
He has betrayed you, and you’re STILL applauding.
You can’t afford your medication or your mortgage. He’s playing Pretty Pretty Princess with ballrooms, columns, helipads, and golf-course grass. Supergluing gold medallions to the Oval Office like he’s decorating for a fucking Juggalo prom.
He doesn’t give a fuck about you. He’s not even pretending anymore. He’s treating the country like a terminally ill relative whose jewelry he wants before the ambulance arrives.
And yet you’re still out there insisting God sent him.
God sent that stupid, sinister, sexist, sadistic, self-serving, shameless, slovenly, saccharin-filled, spaghetti-sauce-stained sloth?
If that’s who God sent, then God was huffing fucking Glade plug-ins behind a Wawa.
Explain to me exactly how you reason with that. You’re putting stained glass on a porta-potty and calling the smell a religious experience.
And I know. I know. People will say, “Don’t mock them, Jo. Don’t punch down. Don’t make fun of them. Take the high road. Reason with them. Try to convince them. You’ll alienate them. You’ll make them dig deeper into their little foxholes. You’ll push them away.”
After TEN FUCKING YEARS of this shit?
You think the missing ingredient is that we haven’t asked nicely enough?
What’s the plan? Another documentary? A pie chart? Do I need to tuck the Constitution into a slice of American cheese and hand-feed it to you?
No. No, fuck that.
We’re not pulling you into our tent by treating your refusal to learn like everybody else’s failure to teach. You’ll find a justification for the cruelty before the people he’s hurting have even caught their breath.
He hates who you hate, and that’s all you think you need. You’ll forgive every broken promise as long as somebody who doesn’t look like you gets hurt.
He could piss down your back and tell you it’s raining, and you’d ask him to autograph the fucking umbrella.
We have been shackled to your flaming dumpster fire of fucked-up decisions for long enough. We are being governed by fools and morons because a plurality of the dumbest dumbfucks who ever DUMBED believed a con man, a criminal, a counterfeit, a snake-oil salesman, a phony, a fraud.
The high road is that we need to outnumber you. Outvote you. Outmaneuver you. Once and for fucking all.
Your lives keep getting harder, and you can’t name one thing he’s done to make them easier. You can’t point to one thing that’s actually improved your lives in any measurable way.
But you’re still sheep standing in the middle of a goddamn pasture, staring at a wolf holding a sign saying I’M GOING TO EAT YOU, telling each other, “I love the way he tells it like it is.”
Just because you’re dumb enough to keep worshiping the wolf doesn’t mean the rest of us have signed up to be its fucking dinner.
And that’s why we have to vote. We HAVE to vote. Everybody who isn’t one of these fucking idiots has to vote. Vote blue, no matter who. Make it too real to steal and too big to rig.
We’re done letting the people who eat the fucking crayons draw the map.
I love you guys!
Stay safe out there, stay strong, and stay connected to each other!!
AND VOTE!!!!!
💙 Jo
JoJo from Jerz (she's also on Substack)
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