Late-Night Humor

If you don't laugh once in awhile...you may be dead.

"There was an article in Vanity Fair that says Sarah Palin -- listen to this, this borders on the creepy -- that what she was trying to do … was adopt her daughter Bristol's baby. … Oh yeah, like I'm going to make a joke about this." --David Letterman

"But this article is quite an expose. The article claims that Sarah Palin really couldn't see Russia from her house. The article also says that Sarah Palin was not much of a hunter. And I was thinking, I don't know, she killed John McCain's chances." --David Letterman

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People are wondering if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson

"They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had. … I just hope she has her father's facility with words. That would be nice." --David Letterman

"I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he's already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour." --Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney can't keep his mouth closed, and he's talking about how he's really upset with the Obama Administration about the CIA torture probe. He said he can't stand it. He said it's a huge mistake and we shouldn't be doing it. And then he went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster." --David Letterman

"Cheney says that the CIA torture probe is a terrible idea and should never have been authorized. You mean like the war in Iraq? You mean like that, Dick?" --David Letterman

"Hey, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen -- Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again. I'm telling you, the comedy recession is over. … Spitzer says he wants to spend less time with his family." --David Letterman

"Do you remember Governor Eliot Spitzer, the guy who pioneered the 'Cash for Hookers' program?" --David Letterman

"Cheney accused Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

"As of today, same-sex couples may now legally get married in Vermont. So finally, finally, after years of waiting, we'll get to hear these words out of Vermont: 'I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica and Antarctica." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin is making some dough. She's going around the world speaking. She's got a gig over in China. She's very excited because she thinks that China is a red state." --David Letterman

"A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85% finished with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book." --Conan O'Brien

"And you know, now they're talking that Governor Sanford may be impeached for having an affair. And today, he was made an honorary Democrat, so congratulations." --David Letterman

"Well, it's back. You know what I'm talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our healthcare system." --David Letterman