Late-Night Jokes

Can't resist. Humor seems to be about the best response to some of the rightards out there. Goodness knows they don't respond well to reason. And we can't just go out and mow them all down, even though they'd probably like to do that to us.

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

"I am not getting on Congressman Wilson's case for disagreeing with the president...Every congressman has a vote, he should use it, but not in the middle of a speech to the joint session of Congress. That's not what you do. It's not the Jerry Springer Show. You can't stand up in the middle of Congress and say 'Oh no you did not!' What the hell is wrong with you? He said his emotions got the better of him. Sometimes I want to have sex with a hooker, but I don't!" --Craig Ferguson

"When Wilson yelled 'you lie' at the president, I don't think he handled it very well. The president should go out and hone his material in some comedy clubs and deal with hecklers. Obama should have said, 'Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor's mistress?'" --Craig Ferguson (Watch Ferguson's hilarious monologue slamming Wilson)

"One of President Obama's advisers called Joe Wilson a 'pimple on the ass of progress.' Then the adviser stressed that removing a pimple from the ass of progress would be covered by Obama's health care plan." --Conan O'Brien

"What's so ironic is that the health care plan that Joe Wilson so angrily opposes would get him the prozac he so desperately needs." --Bill Maher

"During President Obama's speech, a congressman heckled him. This guy from South Carolina begins to heckle the guy, and I thought, OK, so now Gov. Mark Sanford is the second most embarrassing politician from South Carolina" --David Letterman

"Republican Congressman Joe Wilson apologized for calling President Obama a liar during his speech on health care. Obama accepted Wilson's apology, and then invited him to appear before a death panel." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama made his big healthcare address to a joint session of Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in the middle of it, when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly yelled out, 'You lie!' It's amazing this guy was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"But even Vice President Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson

"Even though in his speech, Obama said, 'You lie, I'm not going to kill old people,' the next day Sarah Palin said on her Facebook page she still believes in death panels. You know what, Sarah, honey, if we were going to get rid of useless people, you would be the first to go." --Bill Maher

"Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America's schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Yeah, then he said if that doesn't work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama told them, this is a quote, 'Be careful what you post on Facebook.' That's what he said. Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally friended Joe Biden." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'" --David Letterman

"President Obama giving a lot of very important speeches. He gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of people were upset. They said that Obama was going to get in there in the schoolrooms and start brainwashing the kids. At first I was skeptical. But I was talking to my son after he came home from school today. Honest to God, he said, 'Must have socialized medicine.'" --David Letterman

"Obama told the kids to work hard and listen to their teachers. Ladies and gentlemen, what a load of socialist propaganda. Work hard and listen to your teachers? I don't think so." --David Letterman

"It was big night on television tonight. And instead of showing President Obama's healthcare speech that was on tonight, Fox aired its season premiere of 'So You Think You Can Dance.' I guess they wanted to give viewers a choice between hearing what's wrong with our country and watching what's wrong with our country." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama gave his big pitch to a joint session of Congress tonight. A joint session of Congress is very rare. It's when the House and Senate get baked out of their minds and have a session of Congress." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

"The University of Wyoming recently announced they are naming an international student center after former Vice President Dick Cheney because if there are two things that make you think welcome foreigners, it's Dick Cheney and Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, there's a lot of buzz about who is going to replace Diane Sawyer on 'Good Morning America.' Sarah Palin has expressed interest. She said, 'I'd be honored to quit that job.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is asking Americans to drive safely and not consume too much alcohol this Labor Day weekend. Boy, he really is just like Hitler, isn't he?" --Jimmy Kimmel