Never pass up a chance to sit down or relieve yourself. -old Apache saying

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Steal These Jokes

The Week's Best Late-Night Jokes

Late-Night Political Jokes "According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind." --Conan O'Brien

"Kayne West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. And after he did that, after he was done interrupting her, MTV threw him out of the building. So it's official. MTV has a lower tolerance for bad behavior than the United States Congress." --Conan O'Brien

"In Connecticut -- this is weird -- one of the Republican candidates running for Congress is the former CEO of the WWE wrestling organization, which could be good. Congressmen will be less likely to scream out, 'You lie!' if they could get hit with a folding chair." --Conan O'Brien

"According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, a secret panel meets every week in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, to go through applications for state vanity license plates to reject any that are considered sleazy or offensive. They wouldn't want anyone with a crude saying on their license plate driving through the town of Intercourse, Pennsylvania." --Jay Leno

"Wait, have you heard about this? Oh, I love this. They have new House rules saying members of Congress cannot call the President a liar. They cannot call him a hypocrite. They cannot say he is dishonest. Today, President Bush said, 'Hey, where were these rules when I was President?'" --Jay Leno

"Joe Wilson is now the only United States congressman to be formally rebuked for speaking out while the President was giving an address. That could explain his Secret Service codename, 'Kanye.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"This Kanye West/Taylor Swift thing will not go away. Even former President Bush spoke out about it today. He said, 'Kanye West doesn't care about white people.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in New York City, President Obama gave a tough speech to the Wall Street Executives. See, Wall Street is considered a safe place for Obama. You see, on Wall Street, if someone yells out 'you lie,' you could be talking to anybody." --Jay Leno

"Kanye was pretty hurt when he heard the President called him a 'jackass.' But then Joe Biden said, 'Ah, you get used to it.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Yet another family values Republican has been caught in a sex scandal. I love this story: This time, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall (the guy is married) was caught on tape bragging having sex with two different lobbyists. A politician having sex with two lobbyists. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I believe that's a total of 3 whores, right?" --Jay Leno

"Oh, hey, and the University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. And really, who loves foreigners more than Dick Cheney?" --Jay Leno

"And in honor of gay marriage now being legal in the state of Vermont, Ben & Jerry's is now selling 'Hubby Hubby' ice cream. You know, if you want to name an ice cream after gay marriage, why not just call it 'Ben & Jerry's?'" --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new audio recording slamming the President, America, Israel and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Then at the end, when he's really worked up, he yells, 'And Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's that big scandal with A-PORN, I mean ACORN. Have you heard about this? They're an organization that gets government money to help poor people. Well, now they're in a lot of trouble. It seems these two filmmakers went to ACORN's office posing as a pimp and prostitute, saying they wanted to buy a house and run it as a brothel. And ACORN workers gave them advice on how to get away with prostitution, and how to avoid paying taxes. See, here's my question, if they want to get away with prostitution and not paying taxes, go to Congress, these are the professionals." --Jay Leno

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