"BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that's spewing from there. And if it works, they're going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson." —Craig Ferguson
"Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don't worry, if he hasn't insulted your ethnicity yet, he'll get around with it." —David Letterman
"Well, here's some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view.... It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party." —David Letterman
"Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. He sold the apartment for $11.5 million. That is $2.5 million for the apartment and $9 million for what they found in the medicine cabinet." —David Letterman
"This week Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston revealed exclusively to US Weekly that they are getting married. Sarah Palin allegedly is not happy about this because she feels they barely know each other and they are making a big commitment. You know, kind of like when John McCain picked her for vice president." —Jay Leno
"I understand it's not going to be a traditional wedding. Rumor is that Bristol asked Levi — this is real — to wear his camouflage hunting vest. Which would be the closest he's ever come to wearing protection of any kind." —Jay Leno
"Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston announced they are engaged to be married. But here's the interesting part. They're not having sex until after they are married, that's what they said. So let me get this straight. They had sex, she had a baby, now they're engaged and celibate. Isn't that backwards? It's like they're sexually dyslexic." —Jay Leno
"Actually, Bristol said the one thing she missed most about Levi — his Johnston." —Jay Leno
"Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell." —David Letterman
"President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. You know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?" —Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney is recovering after minor surgery. Doctors implanted a new device called a 'heart.'" —Craig Ferguson
"At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I'd keep that a secret. You don't want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis." —Jimmy Fallon
"George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog." —David Letterman
"Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard." —Jay Leno
"Apple has called a major press conference to discuss the iPhone 4. Well, they actually tried to call three days ago, but it finally went through just now." —Jimmy Fallon
"All over the country today there were huge lines at Apple stores for the iPhone — not to buy them, to return them. Apparently, Apple is addressing problems with the iPhone. For now on, if you buy an iPhone, they throw in a Verizon Blackberry so you can make a call." —Jay Leno
Go here for more of the funny stuff.
No comments:
Post a Comment