"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president of the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered" –David Letterman
"Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels." –David Letterman
"Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'" –Jay Leno
"Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that." –Jay Leno
"There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey." –Jay Leno
"The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place." –Jay Leno
"Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin?" –Jay Leno
"A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he's at it again because he's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein." –Conan O'Brien
"A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn, 'We’re planning to replace you in 6 months.'" –Conan O'Brien
"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Barbara Walters has released part of her 'Most Fascinating People' list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That's right. The woman who may soon be president – and Hillary Clinton." –Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels." –David Letterman
"Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'" –Jay Leno
"Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that." –Jay Leno
"There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey." –Jay Leno
"The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place." –Jay Leno
"Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin?" –Jay Leno
"A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he's at it again because he's now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein." –Conan O'Brien
"A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn, 'We’re planning to replace you in 6 months.'" –Conan O'Brien
"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Barbara Walters has released part of her 'Most Fascinating People' list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That's right. The woman who may soon be president – and Hillary Clinton." –Jimmy Fallon
"Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can't create jobs? There's one right there." –Jay Leno
"I think it's great that Romney's getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout." –Jay Leno
"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno
"General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." –Jay Leno
"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites." –Conan O'Brien
"Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who's never had a job." –Conan O'Brien
"The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance." –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup." –David Letterman
"Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'" –David Letterman
"Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos." –Jimmy Fallon
"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno
"General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." –Jay Leno
"Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, 'You're bored? I'm sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites." –Conan O'Brien
"Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who's never had a job." –Conan O'Brien
"The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company's low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won't eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance." –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup." –David Letterman
"Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'" –David Letterman
"Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It's all part of their 'For the last time, we're not Muslim' campaign." –Conan O'Brien
"Gay groups are apparently angry at former President Clinton because he hasn't come out in favor of gay marriage. Clinton said he'd be willing to have two lesbians come by and try to convince him." –Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno
"It's a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it." –David Letterman
"With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president." –David Letterman
"I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them." –David Letterman
"A new survey found that 'Sophia' and 'Aiden' were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky." –Jimmy Fallon
"Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president – though not as bored as the rest of us were when he WAS running for president." –Jimmy Fallon
"Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian." –Craig Ferguson
"Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard." –Craig Ferguson
"Gay groups are apparently angry at former President Clinton because he hasn't come out in favor of gay marriage. Clinton said he'd be willing to have two lesbians come by and try to convince him." –Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno
"It's a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it." –David Letterman
"With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president." –David Letterman
"I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don't know what I'll do when I see them." –David Letterman
"A new survey found that 'Sophia' and 'Aiden' were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky." –Jimmy Fallon
"Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president – though not as bored as the rest of us were when he WAS running for president." –Jimmy Fallon
"Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian." –Craig Ferguson
"Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard." –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, 'So how much do you want for the place.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said 'Romney has no dignity.' Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity." –Conan O'Brien
"House Speaker John Boehner’s office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner’s unsure what they were protesting, but says he'll definitely keep doing it." –Conan O'Brien
"A 69-year-old Florida woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars' worth of lingerie. Authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie." –Conan O'Brien
"The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said 'Romney has no dignity.' Once you get a face tattoo, you're no longer allowed to talk about dignity." –Conan O'Brien
"House Speaker John Boehner’s office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner’s unsure what they were protesting, but says he'll definitely keep doing it." –Conan O'Brien
"A 69-year-old Florida woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars' worth of lingerie. Authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie." –Conan O'Brien
"A new study says the average American now weighs 176 pounds. May not sound too bad to you. But the study was conducted at elementary schools." –Conan O'Brien
"Mexico’s new president said his country’s problems with the U.S. aren’t just about drugs and border security. He said it’s really about America’s insistence that Taco Bell is Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien
"I guess it was a closed event: There was no press allowed, there were no cameras, no recordings – to which Mitt Romney said, 'I'm not falling for that one again.'" –Jay Leno
"Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? people don’t understand it. It doesn’t tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here’s how to explain it: 'It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.' That says danger. People understand that." –Jay Leno
"'Fiscal cliff' is a big fancy phrase right now. If you want people to understand though, use language they get: 'We're headed for Broke-Ass Mountain.' That’s what it is." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney had lunch today with President Obama. The White House is calling it a near-beer summit." –Jay Leno
"Jeff Zucker, the former head of NBC, is taking over CNN. And today Wolf Blitzer announced in five years he's stepping aside for Conan O'Brien." –Craig Ferguson
"Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people's phones in England. He's back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don't have any." –Craig Ferguson
"The investigation concluded that Britain's current press watchdog has no teeth. I'm like, it's Britain. Who the heck does?" –Craig Ferguson
"Mexico’s new president said his country’s problems with the U.S. aren’t just about drugs and border security. He said it’s really about America’s insistence that Taco Bell is Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien
"I guess it was a closed event: There was no press allowed, there were no cameras, no recordings – to which Mitt Romney said, 'I'm not falling for that one again.'" –Jay Leno
"Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? people don’t understand it. It doesn’t tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here’s how to explain it: 'It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.' That says danger. People understand that." –Jay Leno
"'Fiscal cliff' is a big fancy phrase right now. If you want people to understand though, use language they get: 'We're headed for Broke-Ass Mountain.' That’s what it is." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney had lunch today with President Obama. The White House is calling it a near-beer summit." –Jay Leno
"Jeff Zucker, the former head of NBC, is taking over CNN. And today Wolf Blitzer announced in five years he's stepping aside for Conan O'Brien." –Craig Ferguson
"Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people's phones in England. He's back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don't have any." –Craig Ferguson
"The investigation concluded that Britain's current press watchdog has no teeth. I'm like, it's Britain. Who the heck does?" –Craig Ferguson
"Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that's when you know you're rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day." –Jay Leno
"France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before." –Jay Leno
"Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas' missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play." –Jay Leno
"I don't care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can't keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on." –Bill Maher
"Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsie grifter named Jill Kelly, who's part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee's and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there's one thing a mistress hates, it's a guy who cheats." –Bill Maher
"The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that's the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama." –Bill Maher
"Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show they voted to secede." --David Letterman
"After the election, 20 states said they've got to get out. They said, 'We can't take it anymore,' so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We're facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece." --David Letterman
"Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs." --David Letterman
"President Obama is in town today. He's visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he's visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that's a different story." --David Letterman
"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan O'Brien
"Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2 million job listings. You know it's bad when even Facebook thinks it's time for you to get a job." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It's called Facebook." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry. I guess I'll just have to take my business to Little Debbie." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama's major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he's actually one of the guys who signed it." --Jimmy Fallon
"Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It'll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job. It's the circle of life." --Jimmy Fallon
"There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, 'Will coach for food.'" --Jay Leno
"A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying 'step off or I will cut a bi-atch.' And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon." --Stephen Colbert
"France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before." –Jay Leno
"Israel’s Iron Dome defense is intercepting 90% of Hamas' missiles. Usually to see that many interceptions you have to watch Tony Romo play." –Jay Leno
"I don't care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can't keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on." –Bill Maher
"Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsie grifter named Jill Kelly, who's part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee's and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there's one thing a mistress hates, it's a guy who cheats." –Bill Maher
"The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that's the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama." –Bill Maher
"Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show they voted to secede." --David Letterman
"After the election, 20 states said they've got to get out. They said, 'We can't take it anymore,' so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We're facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece." --David Letterman
"Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs." --David Letterman
"President Obama is in town today. He's visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he's visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that's a different story." --David Letterman
"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan O'Brien
"Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through 2 million job listings. You know it's bad when even Facebook thinks it's time for you to get a job." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It's called Facebook." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Colorado and Washington legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry. I guess I'll just have to take my business to Little Debbie." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama's major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he's actually one of the guys who signed it." --Jimmy Fallon
"Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It'll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job. It's the circle of life." --Jimmy Fallon
"There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, 'Will coach for food.'" --Jay Leno
"A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying 'step off or I will cut a bi-atch.' And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon." --Stephen Colbert
"It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, 'Why not?' Those questions can't be any tougher than the ones he's getting at home right now." --Jay Leno
"No wonder we don’t know what’s going on in Libya. They're all too worried about chlamydia." --Jay Leno
"See, when a general tells his wife, 'I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan," technically he's not lying." --Jay Leno
"This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room. They've changed it." --Jay Leno
"It's now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He's an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there's something there for Republicans and Democrats." --Jay Leno
"A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car." --Jay Leno
"There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas." --Conan O'Brien
"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." --David Letterman
"Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg." --David Letterman
"According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals." --David Letterman
"No wonder we don’t know what’s going on in Libya. They're all too worried about chlamydia." --Jay Leno
"See, when a general tells his wife, 'I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan," technically he's not lying." --Jay Leno
"This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room. They've changed it." --Jay Leno
"It's now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He's an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there's something there for Republicans and Democrats." --Jay Leno
"A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car." --Jay Leno
"There's a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas." --Conan O'Brien
"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." --David Letterman
"Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg." --David Letterman
"According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals." --David Letterman
"'Skyfall,' the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There's not a lot of sex in the movie -- it's very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA." --Jay Leno
"People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA -- and yet he's behaving like your common congressman." --Jay Leno
"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." --Jay Leno
"I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter." --Jay Leno
"David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there -- don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you." --Conan O'Brien
"Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters." --Conan O'Brien
"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." --Jimmy Fallon
"Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it 'a priceless stone' while David Petraeus' wife called it 'a start.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? ... You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing." --David Letterman
"You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney's Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn't work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn't want a vice president with two first names." --David Letterman
"A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife." --David Letterman
"Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting." --Stephen Colbert
"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." --Jay Leno
"I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter." --Jay Leno
"David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there -- don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you." --Conan O'Brien
"Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters." --Conan O'Brien
"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." --Jimmy Fallon
"Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it 'a priceless stone' while David Petraeus' wife called it 'a start.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? ... You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He's the guy who started this whole thing." --David Letterman
"You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney's Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn't work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn't want a vice president with two first names." --David Letterman
"A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She's so mad that Romney didn't win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove's wife." --David Letterman
"Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting." --Stephen Colbert
"Florida has finally finished counting the votes. What is wrong with Florida? Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We're talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time." --Jay Leno
"Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio." --David Letterman
"The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA." --Craig Ferguson
"The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who -- well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs." --Craig Ferguson
"The James Bond movie 'Skyfall' came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it 'well-made,' while David Petraeus is calling it 'relatable.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio." --David Letterman
"The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA." --Craig Ferguson
"The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who -- well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs." --Craig Ferguson
"The James Bond movie 'Skyfall' came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it 'well-made,' while David Petraeus is calling it 'relatable.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"According to poll data, President Obama's victory was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed. So basically Obama became President the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers." --Seth Meyers
"After the election 19 women will now hold seats in the Senate, which is the highest number ever. And no one is happier about it than the pantsuit industry." --Seth Meyers
"CIA director General David Petraeus resigned after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'" --Seth Meyers
"I know why you’re happy tonight. Your uterus is safe for another four years. How about that? Mormon has broken, and we are black in the saddle again." --Bill Maher
"No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's health care plan." --Bill Maher
"This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, 'Hollywood.'" --Bill Maher
"Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington. This calls, not just for a reexamination of the drug war, but an entire rerouting of my touring schedule. --Bill Maher
"Obama won. Twenty women in the Senate, six openly gay congressmen, a bisexual congressman. This would such a good night for progressives, Anthony Weiner is tweeting his dick again." --Bill Maher
"Karl Rove said that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent." --Bill Maher, referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC
"Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat -- Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof." --Bill Maher (Share this joke on Facebook)
"It's got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher
"All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men's seats." --Bill Maher
"Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me." --Bill Maher
"The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director -- who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world -- if he can't keep an affair secret, you're screwed. You don't have a chance." --Jay Leno
"According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'" --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet." --Jay Leno
"I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years." --David Letterman
"There's also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That's in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form." --Jimmy Fallon
"CIA director General David Petraeus resigned after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, 'All In.' Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, 'Just The Tip.'" --Seth Meyers
"I know why you’re happy tonight. Your uterus is safe for another four years. How about that? Mormon has broken, and we are black in the saddle again." --Bill Maher
"No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's health care plan." --Bill Maher
"This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, 'Hollywood.'" --Bill Maher
"Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington. This calls, not just for a reexamination of the drug war, but an entire rerouting of my touring schedule. --Bill Maher
"Obama won. Twenty women in the Senate, six openly gay congressmen, a bisexual congressman. This would such a good night for progressives, Anthony Weiner is tweeting his dick again." --Bill Maher
"Karl Rove said that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent." --Bill Maher, referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC
"Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat -- Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof." --Bill Maher (Share this joke on Facebook)
"It's got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen." --Bill Maher
"All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men's seats." --Bill Maher
"Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me." --Bill Maher
"The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director -- who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world -- if he can't keep an affair secret, you're screwed. You don't have a chance." --Jay Leno
"According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'" --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet." --Jay Leno
"I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years." --David Letterman
"There's also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That's in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form." --Jimmy Fallon
"I knew Obama was going to win. I knew this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out. The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden." --David Letterman (Share this joke on Facebook)
"Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney" --David Letterman
"I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney -- and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over." --David Letterman
"His wife Ann said, 'Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.'" --David Letterman
"Here's what they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me." --David Letterman
"Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying, 'What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know." --David Letterman
"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." --Jay Leno
"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." --Jay Leno
"On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"There are now a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking about immigration reform. Americans seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants are still on the fence." --Jimmy Fallon
"Two-term presidents is a pretty small club in the history of the United States. The only club smaller is Latinos for Romney. And then the only club smaller than that it Latino women for Romney" --David Letterman
"I have political insiders who tell me that Mitt Romney -- and he seems like an upbeat guy -- is depressed. He just sits in a darkened room watching video tape of that first debate over and over and over." --David Letterman
"His wife Ann said, 'Mitt you got to cheer up. You know what will make you feel better. Go spend some time with your money.'" --David Letterman
"Here's what they're saying was Mitt's problem. He lived in his own bubble, his own little air-tight capsule, surrounded by sycophants who told him only what he wanted to hear. Wait a minute, I'm sorry, that's me." --David Letterman
"Republicans are talking about being open to compromise when it comes to the fiscal cliff. And I'm saying, 'What the hell have you done with the real Republicans? Where are the real Republicans? That's not the Republicans I know." --David Letterman
"There is one silver lining about Mitt Romney losing the election. At least now he doesn't have to move into a smaller house." --Jay Leno
"It's tough losing an election. You know what Romney is doing right now? He's rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars. And I tell you, he aint' gonna win that one either." --Jay Leno
"On Tuesday night, Mitt Romney's staff briefly published his victory website by mistake. Republicans called it an embarrassing error, while Big Bird called it 'the scariest two minutes of my life.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"There are now a record number of Latinos in Congress, which has a lot more Americans talking about immigration reform. Americans seem to be in favor of it, while immigrants are still on the fence." --Jimmy Fallon
"Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama's Electoral College records." --Jay Leno
"Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man's a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don't call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution." --Jay Leno
"In his victory speech, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, 'Because I made Mitt Romney my bitch." --Conan O'Brien (Share this joke on Facebook)
"After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys." --Conan O'Brien
"A lot of people said that if Obama wins, they're going to move to Canada. How come nobody threatens to move to Mexico? That must be depressing for them." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That's a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets." --Jimmy Fallon
"In his victory speech, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, 'Because I made Mitt Romney my bitch." --Conan O'Brien (Share this joke on Facebook)
"After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys." --Conan O'Brien
"A lot of people said that if Obama wins, they're going to move to Canada. How come nobody threatens to move to Mexico? That must be depressing for them." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That's a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets." --Jimmy Fallon
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