Never pass up a chance to sit down or relieve yourself. -old Apache saying

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

climate deniers

I see that it's really, REALLY cold again across the north and northeast of the United States of America.  This will surely mean that we will soon be subjected to another round of talking idiots who question, "How come it's so cold outside if we are having global warming?"

Apparently these people have an inability to understand that other regions of the planet also experience this thing called "weather."  In fact, there is this other place on Earth, called the Southern Hemisphere, that actually has SEASONS that are OPPOSITE to our own!  (Psst! The USA is in the Northern Hemisphere).  

That means that, when we are having winter in North America, it will be SUMMER in South America!  Imagine that!  So, if it's cold up north in winter, it's going to be HOT down south in our wintertime, which they call SUMMER!  At the same time!!

In fact, during these two recent "polar vortex" cold blasts up north, Australia (they're in the Southern Hemisphere too!) has been having RECORD HEAT!  Can you imagine that!?  At the same time it's COLD up here, it's HOT down there!  Wow! 

So, yes, it could be really, really cold here, really really hot there, and both could be (and most likely are) a result of global climate change.  You see, scientists no longer call these recent changes "global warming."  The preferred term is "climate change," because we are witnessing extremes in weather, like really COLD here, really HOT in Australia, and LOTS of super hurricanes.  These are generally weather EXTREMES, and the frequency of extreme weather is definitely increasing.  

Excuse me for writing this like I am addressing a moron.  It's in response to hearing several Republican CONGRESSPERSONS making a comment like the one in the first paragraph of this post.  Can you truly be so ignorant that you are not aware of the Southern Hemisphere?  Do you think your constituents are so stupid that THEY are not aware of the Southern Hemisphere?  Are you all buried so deeply in your Bibles that you truly ARE this ignorant?  God help us!  (I know she won't).

I expect this kind of moronic activity on FOX. It's another thing entirely to hear elected representatives saying it.  But I'm not really sure (anymore) why I expect our reps to be smarter than the people they represent.  

The Rude Pundit had some choice words about this during the first polar vortex we experienced a couple of weeks ago...


Australia Would Like You To Shove Your Climate Change Denial Up Your Ignorant Arse:  
Hey, wow, look at that. It's cold outside in the United States. So cold that if you haven't dried properly after showering and getting dressed, your scrotum will freeze to your thigh. Yeah, it's really fucking cold, as it will be for another day. What that means in the grand scheme of things is that everyone you know will write something clever on Twitter, like "Polar vortex? I thought that was Sarah Palin's vagina;" they'll get on Instagram and post photos of ice doing icy things; and another bunch of fucknuts will take to Facebook to declare that the fact that they had to wear longjohns is proof that "global warming" is a hoax or some such shit
You can't do anything about the first two groups. But that last one? Tell 'em that it's called "global" because it means the entire motherfucking globe. And then tell 'em to suck on a kangaroo's sweaty dong: 

Most Americans need to be told that that's Australia and that the temperatures listed there are in Celsius. That means the 50 degrees C is 122 degrees here. Temperature, not heat index or whatever they wanna make up to make it seem hotter or colder. It's so fucking hot in Australia that they had to come up with new colors for the map. It's so fucking hot in Australia that you can't use your iPhone. Because it's too fucking hot. 

2013 was the hottest year on record, kicking the ass of the old record, which was 20-fucking-12. Not only that, but the temperatures in Australia are hotter than have ever been recorded there. And unlike our punk-ass two days of arctic cold here, the heat wave in Australia, especially in the states of Queensland and New South Wales, has lasted since December 27. That's two weeks of heat that'll singe off a koala's dick. (First person who makes a "shrimp on the barbie" joke gets a punch in the goolies.) 

This is not to mention the fires everywhere. And the dead bats. It's pretty much Armageddon down under.

So today, when your co-worker or your aunt tries to tell you about how stupid climate change is or forwards you some ludicrous denialist email from World Net Daily or whatever, send 'em some wallaby jerky and tell 'em they didn't even use an oven to make it. Then maybe explain that a single weather event demonstrates nothing. But years of heat are a pattern. And know what? Fuck it. Just throw some hot water on them and ask them if they feel better now.

(Note: This could also have been about Argentina.)
My only correction here is that the Rude Pundit did not point out that Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere and experiences summer when we experience winter.  He actually takes that for granted.  That's a dangerous thing to do in the America of 2014.

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