Latest Late-Night Jokes
"Hillary Clinton is weighing in on the measles outbreak. She tweeted: 'The Earth is round, the sky is blue, and vaccines work.' She didn't stop there. She also tweeted, 'Fire is hot, ice is cold, and the Seahawks should have handed the ball off to Marshawn Lynch.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The CDC announced that there are currently 102 measles cases in the U.S. Some say it's because people aren't vaccinating their children. You can tell things are getting bad. Today Disneyland opened a new ride called 'It's a Smallpox World.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Remember that dancing shark from Katy Perry's Super Bowl halftime show? A guy in Colorado actually got a tattoo of the shark. That story again: Weed is still legal in Colorado." –Jimmy Fallon
"Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady's giving his truck to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll." –Conan O'Brien
"Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the game the Super Bowl MVP shouted, 'No way am I going to Disneyland!'" –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'" –David Letterman
"I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame." –David Letterman
"The city of Boston today held its Super Bowl victory parade. Meanwhile, the city of Seattle held Seahawks coach Pete Carroll out a window by his ankles." –Seth Meyers
"During an interview last weekend, President Obama was talking about the next race for president and refused to choose between Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden, saying quote, 'Love 'em both.' Which was nice until he said he'd support the nominee, regardless of who she is." –Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday Obama presented a $4 trillion budget that he says would help the middle class. Then the middle class said, 'You know what? How about you just give us the $4 trillion? We'll figure out what to do with it.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama unveiled a $4 trillion budget for 2016 that would increase taxes on the wealthy and spend more money on education. He also made a snowball and put it in the oven, just to see which would last longer, his budget or the snowball." –Jimmy Fallon
"Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, 'You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner." –David Letterman
"Mitt Romney announced that he is no longer considering running for president in 2016. As opposed to those other guys who forgot about running — the Seattle Seahawks." –Jimmy Fallon
"In addition to being the winning Super Bowl quarterback, Tom Brady now has a brand-new pickup truck. I guess we'll have to sit through the whole thing about whether his tires are properly inflated." –Jimmy Fallon
"An amazing Super Bowl this year. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks both defeated the Seattle Seahawks." –Seth Meyers
"It really was an incredible game. And even though the Patriots won, you really have to hand it to Marshawn Lynch. Don't think about it. Just hand it to Marshawn Lynch." –Seth Meyers
"Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP and was given a new Chevy truck. Brady says the truck handles great, especially after he let some air out of the tires." –Seth Meyers
"Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia's first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady." –Conan O'Brien
"In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence recently could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, 'I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since the Oscar nominations." –Conan O'Brien
"In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?" –David Letterman
"In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence recently could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, 'I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since the Oscar nominations." –Conan O'Brien
"In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?" –David Letterman
I miss Stephen Colbert already!
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