"The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that." –David Letterman
"The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center." –David Letterman
"President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating." –David Letterman
"After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk." –David Letterman
"On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini." –David Letterman
"They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt." –David Letterman
"They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. " –David Letterman
"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman
"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman
"A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards." –David Letterman
"I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad." –David Letterman
"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman
"The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third." –Craig Ferguson
"Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Gaddafi's sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front." –Craig Ferguson
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The East Coast Earthquake"
10. "That was the scariest two seconds of my life!"
9. "It's lootin' time"
8. "Hey, you forgot your champagne"
7. "5.9 earthquake, it would have been a 6.2 if it had a better lead-in"
6. "These new Taco Bell chalupas are rockin' my world"
5. "My hiccups are gone"
4. "Wheeeeee"
3. "Call FEMEMA, the Federal Extremely Minor Emergency Management Agency"
2. "Darn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery"
1. "Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!"
"The CEO of Starbucks said that President Obama shouldn’t be vacationing during a crisis, and that he should be getting Americans back to work — so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee." –Conan O'Brien
"The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West, and George Bush would go to Legoland." –Conan O'Brien
"Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It’s in the chapter called 'You Might Want to Skip This.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Some people think Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Craig Ferguson
"I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and . . . cheaper gas." –Craig Ferguson
"There’s a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?" –David Letterman
"The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it’s Leno." –David Letterman
"When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said, 'Just shoot me.'" –David Letterman
"Top Ten Thought’s That Went Through Letterman’s Mind After Hearing About the Threat"
10. “Someone wants to silence me? Get in line”
9. “Nothing says summer like a death threat”
8. “Why is the staff in such a good mood?”
7. “Save me, Oprah”
6. “Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?”
5. “And here I thought nobody watched the show”
4. “How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”
3. “Some people get Emmy nominations, some people get death threats”
2. “This seems like Leno’s handiwork”
1. “Oh my God! They canceled ‘The George Lopez Show’”
"President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China.USA! USA!" –Conan O'Brien
"Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house." –Conan O'Brien
"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien
"A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun." –Stephen Colbert
"Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote." -- Stephen Colbert
"There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration." -- Stephen Colbert
"It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'" –Jon Stewart
"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology." –Conan O'Brien
"Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'" –Conan O'Brien
"A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Mitt Romney is calling Obama's bus tour the 'Magical Misery Tour,' which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'" –Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America: "You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America."
"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien
"The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook." –Conan O'Brien
"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for 'Jersey Shore' are at an all-time high." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert
"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert
"Why would the Josh Brolin character from 'W.' be running for....what!? That's a real guy?" –Jon Stewart on Rick Perry
"He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!" –Jon Stewart
"If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'" –Jon Stewart
"How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul's second plash finish in the Iowa Straw Poll.
"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert
"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert
"Why would the Josh Brolin character from 'W.' be running for....what!? That's a real guy?" –Jon Stewart on Rick Perry
"He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!" –Jon Stewart
"If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'" –Jon Stewart
"How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul's second plash finish in the Iowa Straw Poll.
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