In these troubled times, laughter is the best medicine.
"Happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 50 years old. Whether you like him or not, it's a tremendous success story. This guy was born in a hut in Kenya and grew up to be president of the United States." –David Letterman
"Obama got some lovely presents. China gave him an extension on his rent." –David Letterman
"I was watching Fox News today. I lost a bet." –David Letterman
"A year ago the Chilean miners were rescued. The year before the feel-good story was the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson. So what's the feel-good story of 2011? Anthony Weiner." –David Letterman
"The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It's President Obama's birthday. I can't believe it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Today Michelle Obama urged her husband's supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen." –Jimmy Fallon
"Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" –Jimmy Fallon
"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno
"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno
"Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too." –Jay Leno
"They say because of our national debt every child born in this country owes $50,000. China had a message for those kids: 'We're hiring! Come on down! Make sneakers.'" –Jay Leno
"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno
"The producers of 'Dancing with the Stars' haven't told Anthony Weiner whether they're going to have him on the show. And he's a guy you don't want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing support among voters in Florida, which explains why this morning he sent SEAL Team 6 out to get Casey Anthony." –Conan O'Brien
"Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote." –Conan O'Brien
"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien
"The whole 4th season of 'Jersey Shore' takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub." –Conan O'Brien
"It is complete inappropriate for the president to turn a year older when the nation is in crisis." –Stephen Colbert
"I say we live our lives the way our founding fathers intended: four-feet tall, crippled with rickets until we die of old age at 28." –Stephen Colbert
"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." –Conan O'Brien
"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones
"Our prayers are answered! America's own 'Legion of Doofs.'" –Jon Stewart on the new congressional Super Committee
"President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that'll be President Bieber's problem." –Jay Leno
"Just 10 days until the big Iowa Republican presidential straw poll. How many think Mitt Romney will win the straw poll? How many think Michele Bachmann will win? How many would rather vote for the straw?" –Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in his hometown of Chicago. Oprah jumped out of the cake. Then she jumped back in. She loves cake." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It's interesting to see the Tea Party go from a small group of people that everyone thinks is crazy to a large group of people that everyone thinks is crazy." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, then Republicans cut everything else." –Jimmy Fallon
"While eating at a burger place, President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming." –Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as 'disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.' They would have also accepted 'gutless and cowardly.'" –David Letterman
"A lot of people want to know what Osama bin Laden's last words were. In a new article, they tell you: 'Come in.'" –David Letterman
"The Louvre has more bare breasts than any other institution in the world, with the possible exception of the Clinton Library." –Craig Ferguson
"Happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 50 years old. Whether you like him or not, it's a tremendous success story. This guy was born in a hut in Kenya and grew up to be president of the United States." –David Letterman
"Obama got some lovely presents. China gave him an extension on his rent." –David Letterman
"I was watching Fox News today. I lost a bet." –David Letterman
"A year ago the Chilean miners were rescued. The year before the feel-good story was the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson. So what's the feel-good story of 2011? Anthony Weiner." –David Letterman
"The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It's President Obama's birthday. I can't believe it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Today Michelle Obama urged her husband's supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen." –Jimmy Fallon
"Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?" –Jimmy Fallon
"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno
"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno
"Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too." –Jay Leno
"They say because of our national debt every child born in this country owes $50,000. China had a message for those kids: 'We're hiring! Come on down! Make sneakers.'" –Jay Leno
"It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno
"The producers of 'Dancing with the Stars' haven't told Anthony Weiner whether they're going to have him on the show. And he's a guy you don't want to leave dangling." –Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing support among voters in Florida, which explains why this morning he sent SEAL Team 6 out to get Casey Anthony." –Conan O'Brien
"Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote." –Conan O'Brien
"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien
"The whole 4th season of 'Jersey Shore' takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub." –Conan O'Brien
"It is complete inappropriate for the president to turn a year older when the nation is in crisis." –Stephen Colbert
"I say we live our lives the way our founding fathers intended: four-feet tall, crippled with rickets until we die of old age at 28." –Stephen Colbert
"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." –Conan O'Brien
"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones
"Our prayers are answered! America's own 'Legion of Doofs.'" –Jon Stewart on the new congressional Super Committee
"President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that'll be President Bieber's problem." –Jay Leno
"Just 10 days until the big Iowa Republican presidential straw poll. How many think Mitt Romney will win the straw poll? How many think Michele Bachmann will win? How many would rather vote for the straw?" –Jay Leno
"Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in his hometown of Chicago. Oprah jumped out of the cake. Then she jumped back in. She loves cake." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It's interesting to see the Tea Party go from a small group of people that everyone thinks is crazy to a large group of people that everyone thinks is crazy." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, then Republicans cut everything else." –Jimmy Fallon
"While eating at a burger place, President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming." –Jimmy Fallon
"According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as 'disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.' They would have also accepted 'gutless and cowardly.'" –David Letterman
"A lot of people want to know what Osama bin Laden's last words were. In a new article, they tell you: 'Come in.'" –David Letterman
"The Louvre has more bare breasts than any other institution in the world, with the possible exception of the Clinton Library." –Craig Ferguson
"I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage." –Stephen Colbert
"The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can't be that bad." –Conan O'Brien
"The debt deal calls for the formation of a 'super Congress' to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you're wondering, a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine." –Conan O'Brien
"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien
"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien
"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien
"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno
"For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'" –Jay Leno
"After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, "It's time for jobs to move to the front burner?" Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they're about to lose theirs jobs." –Jay Leno
"Here's an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We're broke!" –Jay Leno
"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno
"A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name 'District of Columbia.'" –Jay Leno
"That's what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted." –Jay Leno
"They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not 'economic disaster?'" –David Letterman
"Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as 'terrorists.' This is a real slap in the face — to terrorists." –David Letterman
"The make-up sex in Congress tonight is going to be something." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I'll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half." –Jimmy Kimmel
"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, 'You know what, I'll just take the groping.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it's 1799." –Jon Stewart
"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno
"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno
"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien
"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien
"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien
"To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign." –Jay Leno
"For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'" –Jay Leno
"After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, "It's time for jobs to move to the front burner?" Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they're about to lose theirs jobs." –Jay Leno
"Here's an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We're broke!" –Jay Leno
"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno
"A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name 'District of Columbia.'" –Jay Leno
"That's what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted." –Jay Leno
"They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not 'economic disaster?'" –David Letterman
"Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as 'terrorists.' This is a real slap in the face — to terrorists." –David Letterman
"The make-up sex in Congress tonight is going to be something." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I'll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half." –Jimmy Kimmel
"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, 'You know what, I'll just take the groping.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it's 1799." –Jon Stewart
"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno
"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno
"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'" –Jay Leno
"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman
"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman
"The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another 'Smurfs' movie before 2014." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card." –Conan O'Brien
"Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That's how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money." –Conan O'Brien
"We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a 'sugar-coated Satan sandwich.' Or as Americans put it, 'Sugar-coated? Yum – I'll take six, please!'' –Jimmy Fallon
"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, 'Does she have a daughter?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull." –David Letterman
"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman
"The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another 'Smurfs' movie before 2014." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card." –Conan O'Brien
"Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That's how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money." –Conan O'Brien
"We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a 'sugar-coated Satan sandwich.' Or as Americans put it, 'Sugar-coated? Yum – I'll take six, please!'' –Jimmy Fallon
"McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, 'Does she have a daughter?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year." –Jimmy Kimmel
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