"It's Fall. Unless you're Mitt Romney, and then it's freefall." –David Letterman
"Mitt Romney says that about half the country is freeloaders. And freeloaders – that includes wealthy politicians who only pay 13 percent in tax." –David Letterman
"I like Mitt. Listen to this. He has alienated the young people, alienated the old people, alienated women, alienated minorities, alienated gays. I'm telling you, this takes talent." –David Letterman
"Romney said he doesn’t watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ because if Romney wants to see rich people say dumb things on camera he can watch that fundraiser video." –Jimmy Fallon
"What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters." –Stephen Colbert
"Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith." –Stephen Colbert
"As part of the strategy for the upcoming presidential debates, the Obama campaign is attempting to lower expectations. And believe me, if there's one thing that President Obama is good at lately, it's lowering expectations." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama." –Jay Leno
"If you take the 47 percent that Mitt Romney says pay no taxes and add that to the people who Obama says cling to their guns and religion, that's the whole country right there." –Jay Leno
"All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can't seem to get his message out. I'm no strategist but it's hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth." –Jay Leno
"A Pakistani man died yesterday after inhaling fumes from burning an American flag. Good! Thank you. See, let me show you how incredible that is. We don't have to defend the American flag. It can defend itself." –Jay Leno
"Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan told the crowd at the Values Voter Summit that if President Obama wins, there's no going back. So basically what he said was, once you go black, you can't go back." –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot of winning...But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people." –Conan O'Brien
"It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people – and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start." –Stephen Colbert, on Santorum's remarks that "smart people will never be on our side"
"According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work." –Jay Leno
"Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray." –Jay Leno
"I'm watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?" –Jay Leno
"All over the world people are chanting, 'Death to America.' Except in China, where they're chanting, 'Not until we get our money back.'" –Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that's one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won't get." –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, 'Soon-ish.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called 'Total Recall.' In response, she's written a book about their affair called 'Alien vs. Predator.'" –Conan O'Brien
"It's Opening Day of the U.N in New York...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here. He says he hates gay people and he hates Jews. Boy is he in the wrong town." –David Letterman
"Today is the one-year anniversary of occupying Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He's looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Mitt Romney was on 'Live With Kelly and Michael.' At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama is attending a fundraiser in New York hosted by Jay-Z and Beyonce. Michelle is hoping Beyonce will sing 'All the Single Ladies,' while Obama is worried Biden will get up and sing 'Bootylicious'" –Jimmy Fallon
"On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, 'Look at that – another job lost under President Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton." –Seth Meyers
"Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President." –Seth Meyers
"In a recent promotion, Mitt Romney is offering donors a chance to win a ride on his campaign plane. But if you know how Mitt Romney travels, this is one contest you don't want to win." (on screen: a picture of someone strapped to the roof of his plane) –Seth Meyers
"It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence." –Bill Maher
"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this because he's weak. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher
"Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, 'as little as possible." Wow, there's a switch, Romney giving too much information." –Bill Maher
"He told us all about their sex life. Sometimes he and Ann turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.'" –Bill Maher
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