Never pass up a chance to sit down or relieve yourself. -old Apache saying

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Fire Ants > GOP

Juanita Jean published this piece to Outsmart Magazine (which is currently offline) in April of 2014, but I just discovered it, so it's like brand-new!

The Top 20 Ways that Fire Ants are Better than Republicans

1. Fire ants seldom make racist or antigay remarks, but when they do, it never, ever involves misspelled signs. 

2. A fire-ant sting hurts women the same exact amount that it hurts men & —none of this 82 percent stinging level crap. 

3. Most fire ants do not have their own radio talk show. 

4. Even fire ants believe in evolution. 

5. Among fire ants, "“The Queen"” is a good thing. 

6. Fire ants are happy even if they haven'’t starved all the other ants and taken their homes. 

7. Fire ants just bite you. They do not bite you and then make you get baptized. 

8. Contrary to their name, fire ants do not need to open-carry firearms. 

9. Fire ants never claim that rattlesnakes are emboldened by Obama'’s weakness. 

10. Fire ants do not hold a May runoff election to select their craziest ant in all of the ant kingdom to run for lieutenant governor of Texas. 

11. Fire ants don'’t seem to care what I do with my uterus. 

12. When one fire-ant colony attacks another fire-ant colony, they always double-check the credibility of their evidence, and rarely make the black guy lie to the United Ant Nation about it. 

13. Three words: No Rush-ant Limbaugh. 

14. Fire ants embrace communal ownership of the means of production and reject the inherent oppression of capitalistic patriarchy. We think. 

15. Fire-ant bites go away after a few weeks. 

16. Fire ants won'’t bite you and then call you a terrorist sympathizer for scratching. 

17. There are no fire-ant TV evangelists. 

18. There are no $10,000-a-plate fire-ant fundraisers. 

19. Fire ants haven'’t produced any great thinkers either, but you don'’t notice because they can'’t write or talk. 

20. The one way fire ants are exactly like Republicans: they all think with one tiny little brain. 

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