Never pass up a chance to sit down or relieve yourself.
-old Apache saying
Friday, March 6, 2015
flying spaghetti monster
Those ancient "Ten Commandments" are wierd and irrelevant to modern life, not to mention waaay out of date. After comparing the two documents, I much prefer the Flying Spaghetti Monster's version. See if you agree.
The FSM’s commandments for the treatment of people of other faiths, worship of the FSM, sexual conduct, and nutrition
1. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t: Act like a sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou ass when describing my Noodly Goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
2. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t: Use my existence as a means to Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, and/or, you know, be Mean To Others. I don’t require sacrifices and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t: Judge People for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk. Just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this in your thick heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t: Indulge in Conduct That Offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is Go F*** Yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t: Challenge the bigoted, misogynist, hateful ideas of others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, then go after the B*******’s ideas.
6. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t: Build multimillion-dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines to my Noodly Goodness when the money could be better spent on (take your pick):
a. Ending Poverty
b. Curing Diseases
c. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t: Go around telling people I Talk To You. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
8. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t: Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You, if you are into, um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (Pursuant To #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the Love of Me, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
When I hear from people that religion doesn't hurt anything, I say, really? Well besides wars, the Crusades, the Inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan.