"What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they're talking about immigration reform, it looks like they've ended 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' and they're legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if you're a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year of your life." -Jay Leno
"Of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already." -Jay Leno
"Anti-health care reform protesters outside the Capitol were downright vicious. They yelled the N-word at black legislators, they yelled the F-word at gay legislators, they yelled the W-word at Latino legislators. It was like the Sesame Street of hate." -Jimmy Kimmel
"A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim -- 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush traveled to Haiti this week to talk about the country's long-term recovery plan. It was a departure for President Bush. It's unusual for him to visit a disaster of this scope and magnitude that wasn't his fault." -Jimmy Kimmel
'As you can imagine, the Republicans are taking the defeat well. About as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage ...This week was one giant-kid-screaming-in-the-cereal-aisle tantrum. From the right, there were death threats, there were obscene phone messages, breaking windows, cutting gas lines. One congressman walked outside his house this morning and there was a Toyota in his driveway." -Bill Maher
"There's a Democratic congressman, Russ Carnahan. He walked out on his lawn this morning and there was a coffin there. I am not kidding. And if you think that's creepy, when the lid opened, it was Dick Cheney." -Bill Maher
"I want to just take a moment to thank the Teabaggers. Thank you so much for helping us pass health care, for resurrecting the Obama presidency. I know they're saying, 'Why are you thanking me? I was so against it, I marched on Washington with tea bags hanging off my Founding Fathers costume, with a gun on my hip and a picture of Obama dressed as Hitler, screaming about his birth certificate.' And America saw that and said, 'I think I'll go with the calm black man.'" -Bill Maher
"To help sell the health care plan to the American people, President Obama said it's the same plan Congress has. See, I think that's a mistake. I think that's why a lot of people opposed it. Have you seen members of Congress? Do they look healthy to you? Anybody here want to be as fat as Barney Frank? Huh? You want to be as orange as John Boehner? I don't think so." -Jay Leno
"Well, as you know, health care reform was passed by the House last night. Supporters of the bill say the American people now get the same health benefits members of Congress get, which is great. See, if we can just get some of those other perks -- the free travel, the envelopes with the cash in them, the get-out-of-jail-free cards -- oh, all of that could be great." -Jay Leno
"John McCain said that there will be no cooperation from Republicans for the rest of the year. So that should be good for the country. What a shame to see all that cooperating end, you know? This is like the coyote announcing he's no longer cooperating with the road runner." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Oh, hey, are you ready for the 2010 census? It's going to be complicated this year. So the government should have patience. Here's part of the problem: Most Americans count as two." -David Letterman
"Have you filled out a census form? Here's the deal: 10 questions in 10 minutes. That's what they're saying. Coincidentally, that is how John McCain chose his running mate." -David Letterman
"Sarah Palin spoke out this week against the health care reform bill, saying, 'Elections have consequences.' Well, of course, elections have consequences. That's why right now, instead of being vice president of the United States, she's trying to get a reality show on the Animal Planet." -Jay Leno
"The FBI is investigating threats against Democratic members of Congress who voted against the health care bill ... Some Democrats are accusing Sarah Palin of encouraging violence because of her Facebook page. Her slogan is 'Don't Retreat, Reload.' And you can see on the map, she has gun sights targeting the 20 politicians she wants gone in the crosshairs there. One of her advisers today said Sarah Palin has been vocal about condemning violence. Yeah, tell that to the 100 moose, 40 caribou, eight raccoons, and Piper's guinea pig that she shot last week." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Over the weekend, tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country demanding a path to citizenship. Don't we have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway." -Jay Leno
"James Cameron, who directed 'Avatar,' is in a feud with Glenn Beck, because Cameron called him a mad man. The two are very different. One makes millions creating fictional stories, and the other is James Cameron." -Craig Ferguson
"Texas Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison said that women senators don't cheat on their husbands because they don't have the time. That's what I love about politicians. There's no moral problem with adultery, it's just a matter of scheduling and multitasking." -Jay Leno
"Well, today, President Obama signed the landmark health care reform bill into law, or as President Obama refers to it, 'The Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act.'" -Jay Leno
"I'll tell you how excited the president is. Today, he changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can,' to 'Yes, we finally did something.'" -Jay Leno
"Of course, the White House is now denying it made any side deals with members of Congress to pass this bill. See, I don't know if that's true. Did you see Mount Rushmore today? They're adding Dennis Kucinich's face to it." -Jay Leno
"Of course, this all couldn't have been done without the help of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And today, the president thanked her for her unblinking support. Actually, Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for this. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, Icantmovemyfacebook.com." -Jay Leno
"I have been thinking about the healthcare problem and how to pay for healthcare. If you took all the money the Republicans have spent trying to stop healthcare and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get healthcare, we could afford healthcare." -Jimmy Fallon
"During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement." -Craig Ferguson
"Republican donors aren't happy about this. It's not fair that rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms." -Craig Ferguson
"The Republican National Committee is in trouble after it was revealed that they spent two thousand dollars at a West Hollywood bondage themed nightclub with topless dancers and imitation lesbian sex acts. And they are the family values party. Makes you wonder what the Democrats are doing, doesn't it?" -Jay Leno
"President Obama, big surprise visit to see the folks in Afghanistan. ... Obama demanded more accountability. He said we got to have more accountability, we got to have a crackdown on corruption; we have to have a better government. And he said if it works in Afghanistan, we're going to try it back home in the United States." -David Letterman
"Some people aren't sending their census forms because they're angry at the government, which is dumb because the census is how we figure out who gets represented. So if you don't send in your form, your state gets fewer congressmen. Which, come to think of it, maybe none of us should send in our forms because no congressmen seems like the perfect number, really." -Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." -Jay Leno
"The healthcare bill finally passed. Now that it's over, I hope the name calling will end. And Congress can get back to what it does best ... sex scandals." -Craig Ferguson
"Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error." -Jimmy Fallon
"Former Gov. Sarah Palin has been very busy. She's been campaigning for select Republicans, including John McCain, who's in the middle of a tough Senate race in Arizona. How does he introduce her? 'And now, the young woman who cost me the presidency, Sarah Palin!"' -Jimmy Kimmel
"You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real-life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president. That would be a good story. Think about that one." -Jimmy Fallon
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