Professional jokers

And so we come to the end of another month.  Spring has sprung, and so have all the allergies.  We're six months away from the 2010 elections, but people are already acting like asses and idiots.  What else is new?  I really don't even need to post these jokes, because the Republicans are providing all the humor needed.  Who writes this crap?!


"The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime." —Jay Leno


"During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there's no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?" —Jimmy Fallon


"George W. Bush's memoir is coming out in November. It's called 'Decision Points.' They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'" —David Letterman


"Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget." —Jimmy Kimmel


"By the way, Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how is that offshore drilling working out for ya?" —David Letterman


"Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good news is they think now that the oil spill will be diluted by the melting ice caps." —David Letterman

"Arizona is the meth lab of democracy." —Jon Stewart on Arizona's new immigration law


"This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, 'Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says 'Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism." —Seth Meyers, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"


"As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles." —Jay Leno


"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It's unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now." —Jay Leno


"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty... He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'" —Bill Maher


"Well, it was announced today that President Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book will be called 'Decision Points.' It will be centered on 14 decisions President Bush made during his presidency. See, this should silence the critics who claim Dick Cheney made all of the decisions. This book will prove Bush made at least 14 of them." —Jay Leno


"The book will be ready in November. Bush is making last-minute revisions right now. As a matter of fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out." —David Letterman


"And his wife, Laura Bush, also has written a book. They're going to be published at the same time. Both have memoirs. Her story and his story. I was thinking, well, whose book would you rather read? The one by the librarian or the one by the guy who choked on a pretzel?" —David Letterman


"President Obama's National Security Adviser James L. Jones apologized for telling an ethnic joke at a speech. Political insiders were shocked -- someone said something stupid and inappropriate and it wasn't Joe Biden?" —Jay Leno


"And the cover story of this week's Newsweek magazine is about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and how President Obama sends her out to crack down on misbehaving world leaders. Gee, I wonder where she learned to do that?" —Jay Leno


"The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its bronze medal in the women's team gymnastics event from the 2000 Olympics because they fielded an underage athlete. Ten years later, when she still hadn't finished high school, they figured it out." —Jimmy Kimmel


David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through George W. Bush's Mind As He Wrote His Memoirs

10. "What's a memoir?"
9. "Is 36 pages enough?"
8. "You know who was a great band? Foghat!"
7. "Taco break!"
6. "How cool is it that I was president? Come on, up high!"
5. "Jerky break!"
4. "Chapter Eight: The day I went 5-for-5 in White House T-ball. And no gimmies. All ropes!"
3. "What? Ricky Martin's gay?"
2. "Do you spell nucular with 2 'o's or an 'ew'?"
1. "Shouldn't Cheney be the one writing this?"

"Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?" —Jay Leno



"As you probably know, the volcano on the tiny island of Iceland has shut down air traffic. President Obama had to cancel his trip to Poland. President Obama said he hopes the volcano will stop smoking soon and the volcano said the same thing about him." —Jimmy Kimmel


"In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses — in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box." —Seth Meyers

"Here's something great. General Motors today paid back all the government loans five years ahead of schedule. Amazing what hard work, careful planning and Toyotas rolling over and crashing into trees can do for you." —Jay Leno

"The volcano cloud is gritty ash and it's making its way toward Russia. In fact, Sarah Palin can see it from her house." —David Letterman


"Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization." —Jon Stewart


"Fox News: You are the lupus of news." —Jon Stewart, slamming FOX News with a gospel version of "Go F**K Yourselves"


"What a day for the Tea Party people. Did you see that? America's parks and fairgrounds were lost in a sea of man-boobs. They were venting their anger and rage against taxes, which, of course, in most cases for them went down. Protesting their taxes went down — but you know, why let the truth spoil a perfectly good Klan rally." —Bill Maher


"Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don't want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy." —Bill Maher


"Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent." —Bill Maher


"You see this on the news? Gay and lesbian activists chained themselves to the White House fence to protest the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. And when Republican Party officials saw the lesbians chaining themselves to the fence, out of force of habit, they paid $2,000 to watch." —Jay Leno


"Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'" —Craig Ferguson