Sometimes, you should just leave it to the professionals.
"In a new interview, Rick Perry said it was a mistake for him to participate in the presidential debates. Perry said 'I'm not one of these 'word talkers.''' –Conan O'Brien
"Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery." –Conan O'Brien
"Rick Perry is now behind in the polls and he's not taking it well. Today he executed his pollster." –David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton turns 64 years old today. Happy birthday. Today, Donald Trump demanded to see her birth certificate." –David Letterman
"In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he's talking about. Then he added, 'But he does know what he's talking about.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn’t have to lead us." –Jay Leno
"We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that has lower numbers than he does." –Jay Leno
"According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top." –Jay Leno
"According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top." –Jay Leno
"The McRib is back. You know, I wondered what they were going to do with Gadhafi's body." –Jay Leno
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At Moammar Gadhafi's Funeral"
10. 'Honestly, how the heck did he spell his name?'
9. 'It's a shame he didn't live long enough to promote himself above colonel'
9. 'It's a shame he didn't live long enough to promote himself above colonel'
8. 'Is it too soon to hit on the Ukrainian nurse?'
7. 'After the services, come back to the house for cake'
6. 'Where's his hot daughter Kim?'
5. 'And now, a few words from Moammar's closest friend, Loni Anderson'
4. 'At least he died doing what he loved best — begging for mercy in a storm drain'
3. 'Incoming!'
2. 'Nice of Leno to send flowers'
1. 'Let's bury this guy'
"Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich said that next month they're going to take part in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. The only similarity to the actual Lincoln-Douglas debates is that no one will watch them on television." –Conan O'Brien
"Michele Bachmann's campaign is in a lot of trouble. Five staffers quit her campaign, claiming it was because she treated them like second-class citizens. However, Bachmann said, 'That's not true. At no time did I treat them like gays or Latinos.'" –Conan O'Brien
"They have buried Moammar Gadhafi at a secret undisclosed location. In other words, it's going to be the best season of 'The Amazing Race' yet." –Conan O'Brien
"Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's adding advisers to his campaign team. This guy had advisers? Really?" –David Letterman
"Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair." –David Letterman
"Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That's me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman
"So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed." –David Letterman
"A Libyan rebel has admitted to killing Moammar Gadhafi. He said he shot Gadhafi twice in the temple, to which Michele Bachmann said, 'I didn't even know the guy was Jewish.'" –Jay Leno
"Rick Perry unveiled his new tax plan. He says he wants a flat tax. He believes that tax should be flat, just like the earth." –Jay Leno
"A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow." –Jimmy Fallon
"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He's going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn't a steak." –Jimmy Fallon
"I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?" –David Letterman
"I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by sitting in a pup tent banging on a drum." –David Letterman
"There's so many protestors now they are going to move them out of the park and put them in a pothole. You know, that one over on 8th Avenue." –David Letterman
"Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's license." –David Letterman
"So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power." –David Letterman
"The New York Times reports that Moammar Gadhafi spent his last days hovering between defiance and delusion, surviving on rice and pasta. In other words, Gadhafi spent his last days as a sophomore in college. That's what I did." –Conan O'Brien
"A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Luckily, right afterwards two guys in President Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine." –Conan O'Brien
"It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: 'Who was raising that question?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama is in Vegas for a fundraiser. He spent the visit working on his new economic recovery plan, ‘Come on, seven!" –Jimmy Fallon
"The world was supposed to end Friday. I don't think it did, though. Harold Camping also predicted the apocalypse was going to happen back in May and I don't think that one happened either. Well, you know what they say, the third apocalypse is the charm." –Jimmy Kimmel
"This is reported to be the 12th time Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Out badass ninja black president did it again. Don't f**k with this guy. So far this year he's killed Somali pirates, he killed bin Laden, he killed al-Awlaki,, now he's killed Gaddafi. The only threat to our way now is from Bank of America." –Bill Maher
"Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow." –Bill Maher
"And you know what, if he did smother Castro with a pillow in a nurse's uniform, Rush Limbaugh would say, 'See, socialized medicine.'" –Bill Maher
"They found Gaddafi in a hole with a gun and luggage, or as it's known here, the middle class." –Bill Maher
"They say now that Gaddafi is dead and Michael Jackson is gone, we have enough over-the-top military uniforms to outfit an entire gay army." –Bill Maher
"The end of the war in Libya is good news for Obama and good news for Michele Bachmann. Now she doesn't have to find out where it is." –Bill Maher
"These Republicans, they will not give credit. They gave credit to the rebels, to the British, and to the French. But they would not mention the president. It was like they were on a game show and the password was 'Obama.' They're like the banks; they will not give a black man credit." –Bill Maher
“In their world, Gaddafi died of natural causes, Bin Laden was shot in the face by the free market. You should've heard them, we went in too strong, everything they could’ve said that he did wrong. It's like there’s some kind of hidden Republican clitoris, that they won’t let Obama find, and whenever he tries, they're like 'that’s not it!'" –Bill Maher
"I'm guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there's crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they're happy to come home anyway." –Bill Maher
"Earlier this week, a protester at Occupy Wall Street proposed to his girlfriend. His exact words were, 'Will you occupy my parents' basement with me until I get a job?'" –Conan O'Brien
"Michelle Obama said her daughters watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' but that President Obama doesn't approve. Obama said, 'If I want to see a giant butt who doesn't do anything, I'll have lunch with Joe Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that's eloquent and spreading a message of hope." –Conan O'Brien
"Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans." –Conan O'Brien
"Almost all of Rick Perry's support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney." –Jon Stewart
"Herman Cain is ahead with 27%, as opposed to Newt Gingrich, who is 27% head." –Stephen Colbert
"It was on this day in 1867 that the United States bought Alaska from the Russians. And about six months from now, we’ll probably be selling it to China." –Craig Ferguson
"You got to feel bad for poor Mitt Romney. He's in their plugging every week, and every week somebody gets ahead of him. The people who have led Mitt so far: Donald Trump, then Michele Bachmann, then Rick Perry, now Herman Cain. He's been led by a reality show star, a crazy lady, a stuttering cowboy, and the guy who brings the pizza. That's gotta hurt a little." –Bill Maher
"Herman Cain's plan to save the economy is '9-9-9.' He keeps saying it every day like the Count on Sesame Street. Well, this week we finally found out where he got it from. Not from an economist. He got it up from the guy who works at his local Wells Fargo branch. Literally, it's like he went down to deposit checks, and the teller said, 'Can I help with anything else?' And he said, 'Yeah, can you re-write the tax code?'" –Bill Maher
"Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody." –Bill Maher
"Rick Perry got the date of the American revolution wrong by two centuries. What is it with the right wing? Michele Bachmann doesn't know where the 'Shot Heard 'Round the World' took place, Sarah Palin doesn't know why Paul Revere went on his ride, Rick Perry doesn't know that 1776 happened in the 1700's. These aren't gotcha questions. I know this sounds mean about Rick Perry, but if was a child, you'd leave him behind." –Bill Maher
"This Occupy Wall Street movement is now in 1,500 places all around the world. I was at the Occupy Beverly Hills today. It's two Jews at Starbucks complaining that the scones aren't fresh, but still it's a start." –Bill Maher
"Now there's a pushback movement (against Occupy Wall Street). There's a group called the 53%. These are the people who say 47% don't pay any federal taxes (yeah, because they're f**king broke). The 53% say they barely get by, but they don't blame the banks. Their slogan is, 'Let's bend over and take it, America!'" –Bill Maher
"Bill O'Reilly calls them drug traffickers and crackheads, he says they're out here having sex outside at night. Bill O'Reilly – the only man in America who's make Andy Rooney seem hip. He also said they're practicing free love, as opposed to the kind Bill tried to practice and cost him a fortune in legal fees." –Bill Maher
"Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep." –David Letterman
"Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda." –David Letterman
"Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a minute., that sounds like this show." –David Letterman
"The Republican candidates are still looking for ways to stop Romney. See, it's hard to disagree with his positions — because as you know, he's taken every position." –Jay Leno
"Joe Biden once again denied stories that he will be replaced on the ticket in 2012. He says he will continue to embarrass President Obama for another four years." –Jay Leno
"Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding." –Jay Leno
"The Occupy Wall Street protests continue to grow. They've started to attract a very unsavory element – celebrities." –Craig Ferguson
"Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus." –Jimmy Fallon
"The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that's in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Republicans had yet another debate the other night. This is their seventh one. They're apparently going to keep having these debates until Rick Perry can get one right." –Jay Leno
"Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn't said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he's had several meetings with Papa John." –Jay Leno
"The Saudi government is upset about this plot to assassinate their ambassador. As you know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism unless, of course, they're sponsoring them." –Jay Leno
"Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza." –Conan O'Brien
"This morning on the 'Today' show, Jenna Bush interviewed Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy was so confused and inarticulate that Jenna accidentally called him 'dad.'" –Conan O'Brien
David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Michele O'Bachmann Said During Her Trip To New York City"
10. 'A pigeon just nested in my hair'
9. 'Will the Holland Tunnel take me to Holland?'
8. 'Where does Batman live?'
7. 'Hold on, I'm getting a text from Anthony Weiner'
6. 'Where are the Jews?'
5. 'He has to be the tiniest mayor ever'
4. 'It's such an honor to be here in The Windy City'
3. 'If you won't endorse me, Mr. Trump, would you consider me for 'Celebrity Apprentice'?'
2. 'They've got more hookers here than a congressional Christmas party'
1. 'There goes Letterman . . . Get him!'
"You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in his teeth protesting greed." –David Letterman
"They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one." –David Letterman
"Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'" –Conan O'Brien
"One of the guys accused of organizing the Iranian plot to kill the Saudi ambassador is a used car salesman from Texas. Just when you thought terrorists couldn't get any lower." –Jay Leno
"Chris Christie has officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Christie said President Obama is 'shrinking the American pie.' And believe me, if there's one thing Christie hates, it's a small pie." –Jay Leno
"The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch's house chanting, 'What do we want?' Murdoch interrupted saying, 'I already know, I hacked your phones.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job." –Craig Ferguson
"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses." –Conan O'Brien
"Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It's good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you're in a canoe." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?" –Jimmy Kimmel
